This page contains dialogue related to Gower Quest. The content below is copied verbatim from RuneScape and thus copyrighted by Jagex.

This page is currently under construction. The information contained within should not be considered fully accurate and/or complete.

Starting the quest

Talking to Crispy the Cabbage

• You go to speak to the cabbage, but of course cabbages can't talk; how silly of you.

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul

• Andrew: Who are you?
• Player: I'm Player. I was wondering if you had any quests for me?
• Paul: Oh, it's an adventurer, like in our game! A real one though.
• Player: I'm not just any adventurer. I'm the world guardian!
• Paul: I'm sorry, but I don't know what that is. It must be after our time.
• Andrew: Anyway, welcome to the Gower Farm. I'm Andrew.
• Paul: I'm Paul, and this is our younger brother Ian.
• Ian: Hi!
  • So about that quest, then?
    • Paul: Well you see the problem we're having is: we're cabbagemancers, right? But our cabbage patch has stopped working!
    • Player: What do you mean it's stopped working?
    • Paul: Well, no matter what we do, no cabbages are coming out of it.
    • Player: Did you rake the plot properly?
    • Andrew: Yes.
    • Player: Did you put compost down?
    • Andrew: Yes.
    • Player: Did you plant the seeds?
    • Andrew: Yes!
    • Player: Did you water them?
    • Andrew: Yes! We have successfully grown cabbages in the past you know.
    • Player: Sorry, that's the extent of my farming knowledge.
    • Paul: Well that's your quest! Find out why the cabbage patch isn't working!
    • (Quest noticeboard opens.)
      • Accept Quest
        • Andrew: We've had word from other cabbage enthusiasts that it's been affecting their farming patches as well.
        • Player: Do you have any suggestions?
        • Paul: I have one.
        • Player: What is it?
        • Paul: The cabbages! They must know all about where cabbages come from, if you ask them maybe they can help?
        • Player: That sounds easy. What's the catch?
        • Andrew: Do you know how to speak cabbage?
        • Player: No...
        • Paul: That sounds like your first challenge then.
        • Player: What should I do?
        • Paul: I could explain to you at length the tasks you need to perform, and have you report back to me after each stage so that I can give you the next one...Or we could just let you figure it out for yourself.
        • Andrew: I think it would be more fun to let you figure it out. Quests are better that way!
        • Ian: Don't wander too far though. Everything you need should be on the farm.
        • Paul: This is exciting! A real quest! Off you go!
        • Ian: Come and talk to us if you want to know more about what we do!
      • Not Right Now
        • Paul: Oh. Come back if you change your mind.
  • Can you tell me more about what you do here?
    • Ian: We're cabbagemancers extraordinaire!
    • Player: What's a cabbagemancer?
    • Ian: A cabbagemancer is a wizard who specialises in the magic of cabbages.
    • Paul: Like how necromancy is the magic of necks and pyromancy is the magic of pies.
    • Player: But what do you do specifically?
    • Andrew: We're making a new world! A world of cabbages, where the magic of vegetables never ends!
    • Player: A new world? How are you doing that?
    • Andrew: I use cabbagemancy to grant sentience and mobility to the cabbages.
    • Paul: I use storytelling to weave an imaginary world for the cabbages to live in.
    • Ian: And I create props and scenery to bring those stories to life!
    • Player: What's this world called?
    • Andrew: Well, it's a landscape filled with cabbages, so I named it... Cabbagemud!
    • Player: Cabbagemud? Not... Cabbagescape?
    • Andrew: It's quite a muddy landscape.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • I didn't want anything else.

After accepting the quest

Talking to Andrew

• Andrew: Hello again.
  • Can you help me with the quest?
    • Andrew: Didn't I say it would be better to figure it out for yourself?
    • Player: Yes.
    • Andrew: Good. Quests are better that way. Besides, you have your quest journal.
  • Can you tell me more about what you do here?
    • (As before.)
  • I didn't want anything else.

Talking to Ian

• Ian: Hi.
  • Can you help me with the quest?
    • Ian: I could, but it would spoil Paul's quest. He's very keen on people figuring things out for themselves.
    • Player: Oh, go on!
    • Ian: No, I can't. Sorry.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you tell me more about what you do here?
    • Ian: I create props and scenery to bring Paul's stories to life.
    • Player: Why?
    • Ian: To make their world more immersive. I've always enjoyed helping my brothers with their experiments. Before we created Cabbagemud, Andrew and I built a castle for the cabbages to live in.
    • Player: What happened to that?
    • Ian: It worked quite well, but we've had a lot more success with the free range cabbages. We even tried sending some of the cabbages into space.
    • Player: That sounds exciting. How did that go?
    • Ian: It never really took off.
    • Player: ...
    • Ian: I also have a special version of Cabbagemud I play with some of the older cabbages. They aren't happy with some of the recent changes and prefer the way it used to be.
    • Player: Do you ever not think about cabbages?
    • Ian: Yes. Sometimes. Okay, maybe not. Nobody really quits Cabbagemud.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • I didn't want anything else.

Talking to Paul

• Paul: Hi there, haha.
  • Can you help me with the quest?
    • Paul: Well I could, but I think it would be better if you figured it out yourself, haha. I've run this sort of thing with lots of cabbages, and what I've found is that the more information I give them up front the less interested they are. The ideal balance is a limited area with a specific objective and the freedom to experiment. So enjoy!
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you tell me more about what you do here?
    • Paul: I'm making up this game so the cabbages don't get bored! They pretend to be heroes and then I tell them a story about a situation they're in, and then they tell me what they do, and I tell them whether it worked. I call it 'rollplaying' because the cabbages have to roll themselves in order to determine the outcome.
    • Player: What's the story about?
    • Paul: Well the god of balance, Brassica Prime, banished the lesser gods from the world of Cabbanor long ago.
    • Player: Brassica Prime? Lord of all cabbages?
    • Paul: Yes, he's a character I made up.
    • Player: But Brassica Prime is real!
    • Paul: How fascinating! You seem unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Perhaps there is a king of cabbages, that makes sense, but no god.
    • Player: Oh...
    • Paul: Anyway, while Brassica Prime slept, the immortal, alien Rutabagarat came to Cabbanor from another world! Their devious schemes still threaten to undermine all of cabbagedom. My latest quest is called 'Ritual of the Rutabagarat'. The heroes have revived Neepanadra from his long slumber, but will Luswedien use the power of the Stone of Yams to become a god? And what part have the mysterious Carrotkin to play?
    • Player: This all sounds very exciting!
    • Paul: It is, but I'll be honest, some of the cabbages don't really care about the story. They just want to roll around and get experience points. But for me the story is where the REAL magic is. It transforms this simple farm into an incredible world where anything can happen. The cabbages can be heroes. They can be anything. Sometimes I think it's a better world. Better than this one.
    • Paul looks lost in thought.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • I didn't want anything else.

Making a cabbagespeak amulet

Searching the crate inside the farm house

• You find what appears to be a piece of pure essence, but perhaps it's an upside down rune?

Searching the food trough

• You dig around in the trough and find a tough, stringy broccoli root.

Searching the scarecrow

• You find a strange, cross-shaped amulet frame, sort of a cruciferous mounting.

Searching the water barrel

• You find a single, solitary Brussels sprout, perhaps left over from Wintumber celebrations past.

Using the broccoli root on the Brussels sprout, cruciferous mounting, pure essence or life rune

• The broccoli root isn't much use in this form.

Spinning the broccoli root

• You spin the broccoli root into a string.

Using the broccoli string on the cruciferous mounting

• The mounting has no, um, 'gem' in it yet.

Using the broccoli string on the Brussels sprout, pure essence or life rune

• The broccoli string should be attached to the amulet.

Using the broccoli string on the Brussels sprout

• The semi-precious sprout has no mounting yet.

Using the Brussels sprout on the broccoli root, broccoli string, pure essence or life rune

• The semi-precious sprout has no mounting yet.

Using the cruciferous mounting on the broccoli root, broccoli string, Pure essence or life rune

• The mounting has no, um, 'gem' in it yet.

Using the cruciferous mounting on the Brussels sprout

• You combine the cruciferous mounting and the brussels sprout into an unstrung amulet.

Using the Brassican amulet (unstrung) on the broccoli string

• You add some broccoli string to your brassican amulet.

Using the pure essence on the Brussels sprout

• There's something strange about this pure essence.

Using the pure essence on the broccoli root, broccoli string, cruciferous mounting or Brassican amulet

• Nothing happens, but you feel this essence is important. Perhaps you need to look at it closer?

Flipping the pure essence

• You turn the pure essence over and see a strange symbol engraved on it. Could this be a legendary life rune?

Using the life rune on the Brussels sprout, broccoli root, cruciferous mounting or broccoli string

• It's not the right time to use the rune yet.

Using the life rune on the Brassican amulet

• As you add the life rune to your amulet it transforms from a brassican amulet into a cabbagespeak amulet.

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul

• Player: I made a cabbagespeak amulet!
• Paul: Excellent! Have you tried talking to the cabbages in the field?
• Player: Not yet.
• Paul: That does seem like the next logical step!

At the Gower Farm

Talking to Crispy the Cabbage

While not wearing the cabbagespeak amulet

First time

• The cabbages are hopping up and down and seem quite animated.
• From its proud and authoritative bearing, this cabbage seems to be in charge.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Ahdo ba de?
• Cabbage: PEDEE HAY!
• Crispy the Cabbage: Eddo ba de gum?
• Cabbage: RE NO!
• Player: Hello?
• You obviously can't talk to cabbages without wearing a cabbagespeak amulet.

Afterward

• Crispy the Cabbage: Ahdo ba de?
• Cabbage: PEDEE HAY!
• Crispy the Cabbage: Eddo ba de gum?
• Cabbage: RE NO!
• You obviously can't talk to cabbages without wearing a cabbagespeak amulet.

While wearing the cabbagespeak amulet

• Crispy the Cabbage: What is of want?
• Cabbage: PARTY HATS!
• Crispy the Cabbage: When be of want?
• Cabbage: RIGHT OF NOW!
• Player: Hello?
• Crispy the Cabbage: *gasp* You is of speak?
• Player: Er...yes? I think so?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Is extraordinaries. Human is of speak!
• Player: I am an unusually precocious specimen.
• Crispy the Cabbage: What be of helping you?
• Player: I wanted to know why the cabbage patches aren't working.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Kah! Cabbagemancers be of send you, no?
• Player: Maybe...
• Crispy the Cabbage: Me tell you! We into riot! We into riot until we is of want!
• Player: What are you rioting about? What do you want?
• Crispy the Cabbage: What is of want?
• Cabbage: PARTY HATS!
• Crispy the Cabbage: That into rightness! We is of want hats of party! We leaf we chief!
• Cabbage Recruits: WE LEAF WE CHIEF!

After speaking to Crispy the Cabbage at least once

• (The cabbages continually repeat the following:)
  • Crispy the Cabbage: What is of want?
  • Bouncing cabbages: Partyhats!
  • Crispy the Cabbage: When be of want?
  • Bouncing cabbages: Right of now!

Receiving pink partyhats

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul

• Paul: How are you getting on?
• Player: I spoke to the cabbages. They're rioting because they want party hats.
• Andrew: Party hats? What?
• Player: You know, paper crowns like the ones you get in crackers.
• Andrew: But that makes no sense. Party hats are just worthless pieces of paper.
• Ian: Oh, you need party hats?
• Player: Yes!
• Ian: You're in luck, I have some right here. What colour?
  • Blue!
    • (Continues below.)
  • Black!
    • (Continues below.)
  • Puce!
    • (Continues below.)
• Ian: Oh, I only have pink ones left. Will that do?
• Player: Can cabbages see colour?
• Paul: Good question! Not very well, I think.
• Player: Then pink will do!
• Ian hands you a pile of tiny pink party hats.
• Ian: Here you go!

Reclaiming pink partyhats

Talking to Andrew

• Andrew: It looks like you've lost those party hats. Talk to Ian and he can give you some more.

Talking to Paul

• Paul: It looks like you've lost those party hats. Talk to Ian and he can give you some more.

Talking to Ian

• Ian hands you a small stack of cabbage-sized partyhats.

Wearing a pink partyhat

• You start to put the partyhat on and then you imagine the sad faces of the 4 cabbages in the field. With a sudden wave of guilt, you lower it from your head.

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul with the pink partyhats

• Andrew, Ian or Paul: Go on, take those party hats back to the cabbages. I can't wait to see what happens next in this quest!

Talking to Crispy the Cabbage in the cabbage patch

Without pink partyhats

• Crispy the Cabbage: What is of want?
• Cabbage: PARTY HATS!
• Crispy the Cabbage: That's right! We is of want hats of party! We leaf we chief!
• Cabbage Recruits: WE LEAF WE CHIEF!
• (If a party hat is found in backpack or worn equipment:)
  • Crispy the Cabbage: You is into hat of party? You is of givings!
  • Player: No, this is mine!
  • Crispy the Cabbage: Wantings hat of party!
  • Player: But it's too big for you!
  • Crispy the Cabbage: Be getting ones of small!
  • Player: I'd better try and find some smaller ones before I'm down a few bil.
• Player: I should see if I can find some party hats for these cabbages.

With pink partyhats

• Crispy the Cabbage: You bringings of party hats? We leaf we chief!
• Player: I have them here.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Yes! Is of partyhats now! Is makings much bank!
• Player: Will you help me now?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Wait! First we must be of changing! Some privacy please, you not be see of leafy bits.
• You hand over the partyhats.
• Screen fades out and then in; cabbages are wearing Pink partyhats.
• Cabbage recruits: YAY! IS OF PARTY HATS!
• Player: So, will you help me now?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Oh yes. I of helping! You probably thinking of cabbage be of vegetable, yes?
• Player: Yes, cabbages are a cultivar of the species brassica oleracea, a species which also includes vegetables such as...
• Crispy the Cabbage: Haha! Me of think so! That into COMPLETELY wrongness! Cabbages be of pure magicalful, like hippogryph or platypus.
• Player: What, really?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Yes! Cabbage come for here from other place.
• Player: Other place? What other place?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Behind sceneries. Place find under cabbage patch. If cabbage not grow, problem in behind sceneries. You go there.
• Player: Under the cabbage patch? Can we dig down into it?
• Crispy the Cabbage: No! That not into working even for human of speak. Only one way for into behind sceneries. Old trick. Be of needful disk of returning.
• Player: That sounds like something Andrew Gower might have.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Be of picking me up! We go much into together.
• You pick up Crispy the cabbage.^[sic]

Reclaiming Crispy the cabbage after release

• Crispy the Cabbage: Be of picking me up! It into time of adventuring!
• You pick up Crispy the cabbage.^[sic]

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• Crispy the cabbage: It is the time of getting a disk of returning.

Receiving a disk of returning

Talking to Ian or Paul without Crispy the Cabbage

• Player: The cabbages told me that to find out why the cabbage patches aren't working I need an item. I just can't remember what it was...
• You should get the cabbage ringleader from the field to remind you.

Talking to Andrew without Crispy the cabbage

• Andrew: Hello?
• Player: The cabbages told me that to find out why the cabbage patches aren't working I need an item. I just can't remember what it was...
• You should get the cabbage ringleader from the field to remind you.

Talking to Ian

• Player: The cabbages told me that to find out why the cabbage patches aren't working I need a Disk of Returning, whatever that is.
• Ian: I think Andrew might have one of those, you should ask him.

Talking to Paul

• Player: The cabbages told me that to find out why the cabbage patches aren't working I need a Disk of Returning, whatever that is.
• Paul: I think Andrew might have one of those, you should ask him.

Talking to Andrew

• Andrew: Hello?
• Player: The cabbages told me that to find out why the cabbage patches aren't working I need a Disk of Returning, whatever that is.
• Andrew: Oh, is that all? I can give you one of those.
• Andrew hands you a weird looking ring. It is spongy to the touch.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Okay good of jobs! Now we need to go to mine of dwarves - go go!
• Player: How do you know we need to go there?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Journal of quests keep into backpack. Be of reading it.
• Player: Oh, clever.

After receiving a disk of returning

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul

• Andrew/Ian/Paul: Hello again.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Not of time for farm! Is of time for dwarven mine go!
• Player: Well yes, I was just wondering if one of you could teleport me there.
• Andrew/Ian/Paul: Well, I could, but why?
• Player: Well, so I don't get confused, and therefore frustrated, and give up partway through the quest...
• Andrew/Ian/Paul: That isn't very heroic at all. Aren't you an adventurer? With the lodestones you can even teleport right near the entrance!

Reclaiming the disk of returning from Andrew

• Player: I lost the disk of returning you gave me...
• Andrew: It's a good thing I built a 'return to owner' function then. Here you go...
• You receive a Disk of returning.
• Andrew: Hello again.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Not of time for farm! Is of time for dwarven mine go!
• Player: Well yes, I was just wondering if one of you could teleport me there.
• Andrew: Well, I could, but why?
• Player: Well, so I don't get confused, and therefore frustrated, and give up partway through the quest...
• Andrew: That isn't very heroic at all. Aren't you an adventurer? With the lodestones you can even teleport right near the entrance!

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul without Crispy the cabbage

• Andrew, Ian or Paul: Hello again.
• Player: I, er, I lost my cabbage.
• Andrew, Ian or Paul: Well, go over to the field and get a new one!

After visiting Behind the Scenes

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• Crispy the cabbage: You must returning into behind sceneries!

Talking to Andrew, Ian or Paul

• Andrew/Ian/Paul: How goes your quest?
• Player: Still working on it.

Reclaiming the disk of returning from Andrew

• Player: I lost the disk of returning you gave me...
• Andrew: It's a good thing I built a 'return to owner' function then. Here you go...
• You receive a Disk of returning.
• Andrew: How goes your quest?
• Player: Still working on it.

Entering Behind the Scenes

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

Without cabbagespeak amulet

• Crispy the cabbage: Ba mel pir ga toora!

Outside of the Dwarven Mines

• Crispy the cabbage: We needs to be heading to the mines of dwarves, then finding of behind sceneries begin.

In the Dwarven Mines

• Crispy the cabbage: Good of jobs one more time! Now you got to find of hole on floor.
• Player: Where is it?
• Crispy the cabbage: You just walks around and use of disk of returning. It smell into hole and say when be of close to it.

Scanning the disk of returning

Outside of the Dwarven Mines

• The disk of returning fails to operate here. You need to head to the mines north of Falador to use it.

Farthest from Behind the Scenes

• The disk of returning feels cold to the touch. You feel a pull to the approximate [south/west/northwest/southwest].

Very far but closer to Behind the Scenes

• The disk of returning begins to feel warmer. You feel a pull to the approximate [south/east/west/southeast/southwest].

Far but closer to Behind the Scenes

• The disk of returning feels warm in your hands. You feel a pull to the approximate [south/east/west/southeast/southwest].

Close to Behind the Scenes

• The disk of returning feels hot to touch. You feel a pull to the approximate [south/southeast/southwest].

Very close to Behind the Scenes

• The disk of returning is very hot and begins to shine. You sense that you are very close. You feel a pull to the approximate [south/southeast/southwest].

At the corrrect Behind the Scenes location

• The disk of returning becomes very hot and a bright light shines from it, blinding your vision.
• Screen fades to white.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Here can smell of hole! Be of jumping in!
• Player: Here goes nothing...
• You feel the world start to fall away from you...
• Screen returns; you find yourself in a black hole.
• Crispy the Cabbage: This of black hole experience! Very close to behind sceneries.
• Player: What do I do now?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Looks around maybe? I not of know. This not of cabbage path. If you want to return into surface, you use back of returning disk. I of sleep now. You figure out rest.

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• Crispy the cabbage: You needs to be of finding way out! Be looking around.

Searching the table

Before receiving the rock

• You search the table. Someone left their pet rock here!

After receiving the rock

• There's nothing on top of this table, not even a pet rock. Maybe there's something under it?

Looking under the table

• You look under the table and find a basket filled with oranges.
• Do you want to take an orange? Yes, it seems so.

Searching the scary wispy thing

• You reach up, then quickly pull back scared. It feels like a spider web, and it felt like there was something large still in it.

Searching the unusual shape

• Moving your hands over it, it feels like a skeleton. It seems to be missing its head.

Searching the wall

• A non-descript bit of wall. High up, you can feel the edges of some sort of depression, but you can't quite reach it to feel what it does.

Using the rock or orange on the bumpy wall

• You lovingly rub the object over the bumpy wall. Feel its texture. Yeah, that's nice. Mmmmm.

Using the rock, orange or tinderbox on the unusual shape

• You put the item on the skeleton for a head, but it doesn't really look very good so you take it off again.

Using the orange on the rock

• You place the orange on the rock, making a sad little excuse for a modern art sculpture.

Using an orange on another orange

• Now kiss.

Using the orange on the scary wispy thing

• This orange is too wet to light.

Using an orange on the wall

• You throw the orange - it hits the depression in the wall but isn't heavy enough to do anything much.

Eating an orange

• You find a small key at the center of the orange. It tastes bitter so you spit it out.

Using the rock on the orange

• You place the rock on the orange, making a bold statement of modern art worth bils.

Using the rock on the scary wispy thing

• No.

Using the rock on the wall

• As the rock hits the depression in the wall, you hear a grinding as if something just opened.

Searching the bumpy wall

• You run your hands along the bumpy wall. You feel a hole in one of the grooves about the size of a key.

Using the small key on the orange

• This orange isn't locked.

Using the small key on the rock

• You place the key under the rock, hence mastering the basics of rural home security.

Using the small key on the scary wispy thing

• You need to do something with this key, and you need to do something here, but not that.

Using the small key on the unusual shape

• Your own 'skeleton key' joke here, but nothing interesting happens.

Using the small key on the wall

• This isn't a bit of wall with an inexplicable keyhole in it. Perhaps you meant a different bit of wall?

Using the small key on the bumpy wall

Before using the rock on the wall

• You lovingly rub the object over the bumpy wall. Feel its texture. Yeah, that's nice. Mmmmm.

After using the rock on the wall

• The panel slides back to reveal a tinderbox with a quest icon embossed on the lid, which you take.

Using the tinderbox on the orange

• The orange is too wet to light.

Using the tinderbox on the scary wispy thing

• You reach up with the tinderbox and set the cobweb alight.
• A skull falls from the cobwebs as they burn away.

Talking to the skull

• A moan escapes from the skull. Despite making a single syllable noise, it sounded like it said it would reward you if you reunited it with its body.

Using the skull on the bumpy wall

• Your own 'skeleton key' joke here, but nothing interesting happens.

Using the skull on the orange

• The skull isn't hungry. Or injured.

Using the skull on the tinderbox or scary wispy thing

• Flaming skulls are nice and metal but won't help you here.

Using the skull on the wall

• You hold up the skull so it faces the wall. If skulls could shrug, this one would mock you.

Using the skull on the unusual shape

• You return the head to the skeleton. As you do it crumbles to dust and a voice seems to hang in the air.
• Lloigh-Enn: RuneScape is loading - please wait... Welcome to RuneScape^[sic]

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• The cabbage has fallen asleep in your backpack. Best leave it alone for now.

Entering The Gate of Lloigh-Enn

• Screen fades to white and then returns; you are in a lighted area standing before Thordur at his desk.

Talking to Thordur

First time

• Thordur: Hm... hello? I wasn't expecting anyone today? Welcome to Behind the Scenes.
• Player: Welcome to where?
• Thordur: Behind the Scenes [laddie/lass]! RuneScape's home away from home.
• Player: I don't understand...
• Thordur: Ah, your first time here is it? Don't worry, we'll soon geet you sorted out. So which is it? Graphical rework? Dead content? Were you killed off in a quest? Or are you unreleased content?
• Player: I'm not any of those things. I'm an adventurer.
• Thordur: Oh, right, well look, I have to put something in the box. It's for record-keeping, see, so just pick one.
  • I've been graphically reworked.
    • (Continues below.)
  • I'm dead content.
    • (Continues below.)
  • I was killed off in a quest.
    • (Continues below.)
  • I'm unreleased content.
    • (Continues below.)
• Thordur: I see, I see. Very good. Well, if you'll step on through you can meet the others.
  • Wait... but what is this place?
    • Thordur: It's Behind the Scenes!
    • Player: -PLACEHOLDER- hilarious placeholder dialogue here^[sic] Wait, what? Why did I say that?
    • Thordur: It's the editing. There's no one checking the dialogue, so you just spew any old rubbish.
    • Player: -PLACEHOLDER- the player still doesn't understand^[sic] Yuck! That feels horrible!
    • Thordur: Don't worry, you've probably gotten it out of your system now. You may still find yourself saying some pretty weird things though!
    • Player: So... what is this place?
    • Thordur: I'll break it down for you. You're from RuneScape, right?
    • Player: I'm from Gielinor.
    • Thordur: Sure, big rebranding exercise, world building, but same thing. Sometimes in RuneScape things change. People change how they look like. New stuff appears. Old stuff disappears.
    • Player: I've never noticed this happening.
    • Thordur: You're part of the system, see, you don't see it happening. Take Rat Pits, you remember Rat Pits?
    • Player: No. What's Rat Pits?
    • Thordur: It was a minigame, and it was broken, and no one played it, so it got removed. Now for you it's like it never existed.
    • Player: But what does that have to do with this place?
    • Thordur: Well when something gets removed from the world, or before it gets added, this is where it goes. We call it Behind the Scenes. Look, just think of it as like the afterlife. Afterlife-slash-theme-bar.
    • Player: So it's full of dead people?
    • Thordur: Close enough. You go on in. You'll either figure it out or go mad from the trying.
    • (Shows other options.)
  • Off I go, then.
    • You teleport away, into the Behind the Scenes pub.
  • I'd rather stay here for a bit.

Afterward

• Thordur: Well go on then. You don't want to wait around here, do you? It's just a mostly featureless room.
  • Can you explain this place again?
    • Thordur: It's Behind the Scenes!
    • Player: -PLACEHOLDER- hilarious placeholder dialogue here^[sic] Wait, what? Why did I say that?
    • Thordur: It's the editing. There's no one checking the dialogue, so you just spew any old rubbish.
    • Player: -PLACEHOLDER- the player still doesn't understand^[sic] Yuck! That feels horrible!
    • Thordur: Don't worry, you've probably gotten it out of your system now. You may still find yourself saying some pretty weird things though!
    • Player: So... what is this place?
    • Thordur: I'll break it down for you. You're from RuneScape, right?
    • Player: I'm from Gielinor.
    • Thordur: Sure, big rebranding exercise, world building, but same thing. Sometimes in RuneScape things change. People change how they look like. New stuff appears. Old stuff disappears.
    • Player: I've never noticed this happening.
    • Thordur: You're part of the system, see, you don't see it happening. Take Rat Pits, you remember Rat Pits?
    • Player: No. What's Rat Pits?
    • Thordur: It was a minigame, and it was broken, and no one played it, so it got removed. Now for you it's like it never existed.
    • Player: But what does that have to do with this place?
    • Thordur: Well when something gets removed from the world, or before it gets added, this is where it goes. We call it Behind the Scenes. Look, just think of it as like the afterlife. Afterlife-slash-theme-bar.
    • Player: So it's full of dead people?
    • Thordur: Close enough. You go on in. You'll either figure it out or go mad from the trying.
    • (Shows other options.)
  • Off I go, then.
    • You teleport away, into the Behind the Scenes pub.
  • I'll stay in the mostly featureless room, thanks.

At the Behind the Scenes pub

Talking to Apropos

• Apropos: This is absurd!
• Player: What is?
• Apropos: I'm the wrong colour!
• Player: What do you mean?
• Apropos: This is clearly just Hannibus's character model! They didn't even bother to recolour it!
• Player: Maybe you and that other guy whatsisname^[sic] just look really similar? It's not like the humans in this game are that distinct from each other.
• Apropos: Wrong! It's obvious from canon that Ilujanka have widely varied patterns and colours on their skin, and the chances of Hannibus and Apropos looking identical are so remote as to be practically non-existent! Besides, Apropos is female and most races in RuneScape are highly sexually dimorphic. And why am I carrying a lance? I'm in a drinking establishment! This is an unacceptable lorefail.
• Player: I'm going to walk away now.

Talking to Bandos's remains

• This ruined stone head seems to be humming happily to itself.
• Player: Hey Bandos, where's your head at? ...^[sic] Sorry.

Talking to a bartender before talking to Spiral Orb

• Bartender: What can I get you?
• Player: Information
• Bartender: Well, aren't you hard-boiled. Can't help you, sorry - try the spider DJ over on the podium.

Talking to a bartender after talking to Spiral Orb

• Bartender: 'ello mate! What can I get you?
• Player: What do you have?
• Bartender: Tea.
  • Would you like to take a cup of tea now?
    • Yes
      • You receive a Cup of tea.
    • No

Talking to Beastmaster Durzag

• Durzag is listening to loud music on tiny tiny earbunds and can't hear you, but he gives you a cheery nod.

Talking to any cabbage

Without cabbagespeak amulet

• Cabbage: Tera sei ma les vor kay parten grellet rond.
• You obviously can't talk to cabbages without wearing a cabbagespeak amulet.

With cabbagespeak amulet

• Cabbage: This be of important cabbage troupe into acting. Rehearsal busy do!

Talking to Captain Haskell

• Captain Haskell reeks of beer, or sugary soda pop if you're playing in Portuguese.
• Captain Haskell: Bu' wash the poin^[sic] then?
• Player: I'm sorry?
• Captain Haskell: Yeah, I'd thik^[sic] sho too. Ish your fault, you'n those those those adVENturererers.
• Player: I'm not sure what conversation I've just got into here but I think I already regret it.
• Captain Haskell: I was the firsht! The firsht challenge master of *burp* Thorpe. I increashed daily engagement with a dozshen of the leasht-popular skills by over twenty per, pershentages. An' then they jusht up an' put me ashide for that, that...
• Player: Uh.
• Captain Haskell: That little imposher! What she got I havn't, huh? Iss the expees the adventurereres care 'bout, I gave them that. I even came back with a betterer deal for them! But no, thas not good enough! Jusht 'cos I'm not a cute lil gnome with those pretty eyesh an' chirpy voice an' smile that lightsh up the world...
• Player: ...
• Captain Haskell: Why won't she love meeeeee?
• He's working through some issues right now. Best leave him to it.

Talking to the Chaos Elemental

• Chaos Elemental: You should speak to Spiral Orb. She's on the stage in the middle of the bar.

Talking to Clawdia

• Clawdia waves a massive claw at you in cheery greeting, but she never had a chathead built so she can't speak to you. She eats a peanut instead.

Talk to creature

• Creature: not done^[sic]
• Player: Sorry, what?
• Creature: waiting to be done^[sic]
• Player: You're waiting to be done? What will you be when you're done?
• Creature: awesome^[sic]
• Player: Shoot for the moon, half-finished weird blue man thing.

Talking to Crunchy or Tim

• Crunchy/Tim: You want to talk to the spider first.

Talking to environment artists

Environment artist [#1]

• Environment artist: All I can think about is normals.

Environment artist [#2]

• Environment artist: Nothing like kicking back after a hard day's work!

Environment artist [#3]

• Environment artist: I hate map editor so much.

Environment artist [#4]

• Environment artist: It's been a long day. I could use a drink.

Environment artist [#5]

• Environment artist: Never underestimate the power of a five minute break.

Talking to the God Wars Dungeon generals

Commander Zilyana

• Commander Zilyana: There's a free spot at the table if you want to join us.
  • What are you all doing here?
    • K'ril Tsutsaroth: What's it look like, old [chap/girl]? We're having a nice drink while we wait to go back out on the field!
    • Kree'arra: Thirsty work, being beaten up over and over again for stuff to disassemble for Invention gainz.
    • General Graardor: Hey, it's what we do. You should know. You're proper good at it.
    • Kree'arra: According to the Analytics team you get killed fifteen thousand times more than me every day!
    • Commander Zilyana: Come on, gentlemen, stop this fighting and act like boss monsters.
    • General Graardor: You're right, Zil. Sorry Kree, I was only teasing.
    • Kree'arra: Nah, it's alright, I overreacted. Cheers.
    • General Graardor: Cheers!
    • Nex: I fancy some pork scratchings. Anyone want anything?
  • See you around.

General Graardor

• General Graardor: Ho there, chap!
  • What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

Kree'arra

• Kree'arra: Good to see you!
  • What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

K'ril Tsutsaroth

• K'ril Tsutsaroth: Oh I say, it's the World Guardian. How do you do?
  • What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

Nex

• Nex: It is nice to get out of the cold for a bit!
• *What are you all doing here?
  • • (As before.)
  • See you around.

Talking to Guthix

• Guthix: In my work as an actor, I often study the spider. Their sublime grace. Their appendigious poise.

Talking to Lucien

• Lucien: The spider here is a DJ! How cool is that?
• Player: Didn't you mean to say, the DJ is a spider?
• Lucien: That too, man!

Talking to man

• Man: Please don't kill me.
• Player: How could I do such a thing?
• Man: You adventurers are capable of far worse.
• Player: No, I mean, your Attack option isn't set, so I couldn't attack you even if I wanted you, or even by mistake when I meant to pickpocket you.
• Man: Don't pick my pocket either!
• Player: You also don't have a Pick-pocket option, don't worry.

Talking to Mod Raven

• (Before unlocking the Ravensworn title:)
  • ​ Player: Hello, Mod Raven. Can I get the Ravensworn title without searching the elf city?
  • Mod Raven: Too much effort? Well I suppose I could spread my ravens around a bit.
  • Player: That's not what I...
  • Mod Raven: There shall be one thousand ravens! Each appearing one thousand days after the other!
  • Player: This is just getting silly now...
  • Mod Raven: It will take you centuries to find them all! AHAHAHAHAHAA^[sic]
  • Player: Yeah, whatever. Bye.
  • Mod Raven: HAIL ME!
• (After unlocking the Ravensworn title:)
  • Mod Raven: Ah, a true acolyte. Here to bask in the glory that is Mod Raven?
  • Player: Yes, oh great lord Raven. To be in your presence is an honour beyond reproach.
  • Mod Raven: Yes, sycophant, it is. Be gone now. I bore and there are beverages to consume.
  • Player: Hail Mod Raven.
  • Mod Raven: Yes yes, hail me.

Talking to Romeo

• Romeo: I heard female spiders kill their mates or something. That sounds better than loneliness.

Talking to Sphenishchev

• Sphenishchev: Go talk with spider.

Talking to Sueros

• Sueros: Yo, well met and stuff.
• Player: You're being very familiar.
• Sueros: You think I'm Zaros, don't you?
• Player: Oh, you're not?
• Sueros: No.
• Player: Who are you then?
• Sueros: My name is Sueros! I come from like,^[sic] an alternate Gielinor.
• Player: Oh, like a parallel world?
• Sueros: Yeah exactly! A world just like yours, dude, except for one crucial difference.
• Player: What's the one crucial difference?
• Sueros: On my world, I'm like *unbelievably* awesome.
• Player: Really?
• Sueros: Totes.
• Player: Can you give me an example?
• Sueros: Well, you know how like,^[sic] in your world everything fell apart when that nasty old Zamorak betrayed and murdered Zaros?
• Player: Vaguely yeah.
• Sueros: Well in my world, when Zamorak confronted me, I just like,^[sic] pulled out my guitar and totally shredded this sweet solo which made the very earth bleed simultaneous tears of joy and sorrow. Then me and Zim-Zam hugged it out, and me, him and Azzy have been best bros ever since. Consequently, my totally sweet empire never fell, and as a consequence the people of my world live in like,^[sic] complete peace and harmony and stuff.
• Player: Why are you here then?
• Sueros: Say what?
• Player: If your world is so perfect, what are you doing here?
• Sueros: Well you see, I'm perfect, right?
• Player: So you say.
• Sueros: Right, and being perfect is like,^[sic] awesome and stuff, and totally sweet.
• Player: If you say so.
• Sueros: Right. But like,^[sic] there's one problem with being perfect.
• Player: What's that?
• Sueros: Well like,^[sic] the heart of drama is conflict, right? Anticipation, tension, confrontation, resolution, right?
• Player: I guess.
• Sueros: And like,^[sic] being totally perfect and a genius and everything, there just isn't really any conflict in my world, and hence, no drama.
• Player: You're saying you're bored?
• Sueros: Well like,^[sic] I'm a great writer and stuff, so I can like,^[sic] keep people entertained with my amazing plays and novels and stuff, you know, so there's that. Sometimes though, you've just got to keep it real, you know? Like in my world, no one ever dies or suffers or like,^[sic] is even slightly uncomfortable in any way. Here though, it's like a total disaster like,^[sic] *all* the time. It's very entertaining!
• Player: I'm glad we amuse you.
• Sueros: You're welcome!

Talking to Thingummywut

• (Before Love Story:)
  • ​ Thingummywut: Hello there mate, alright?
  • Player: Hello, do I know you?
  • Thingummywut: Well, we've not been introduced, but you've probably seen me at work - I'm a puppeteer for big creatures on the surface.
  • Player: What, like... Araxxor?
  • The operator looks pointedly over to where Araxxor is trying to order a drink at the bar.
  • Thingummywut: No, the ones that are big animatronic rigs that need an operator, not the real ones.
  • Player: I honestly can't tell which are which, then.
  • Thingummywut: Ta very much! I always say CGI's only a tool to help things along - for real impact, real reactions, you need a real actor.
  • Player: Well, keep up the good work!
• (After Love Story:)
  • Thingummywut: Hey, Player, good to see you - what are you doing down here?
  • Player: Sorry, have we met?
  • Thingummywut: Yeh,^[sic] though I look a bit different out of the rig, I suppose. I'm the puppeteer that works the Thingummywut - you remember, from Love Story?
  • Player: That was you in that thing? Incredible!
  • Thingummywut: Ta very much! I always say CGI's only a tool to help things along - for real impact, real reactions, you need a real actor.
  • Player: Well, keep up the good work!

Talking to Thok

• Thok: When Thok think of spiders, Thok want to smash.

Talking to the Void Knight

(Only Jessika will appear if you saved Korasi in The Void Stares Back. Only Korasi will appear if you saved Jessika in The Void Stares Back. Neither will appear if you haven't yet done The Void Stares Back.)

Jessika

• (After The Void Stares Back and Nomad's Elegy:)
  • ​Player: Jessika?
  • Jessika gives you a brief nod of recognition.
  • Jessika: 'sup.
  • Player: Hang on, I remember you were there during that business with Nomad - aren't you only supposed to be here if you're dead?
  • Jessika: Yep, canonically dead and gone.
  • Player: Well, yes, but you went to the Underworld, so you're sort of still around...?
  • Jessika: I'm not the Underworld Jessika, I'm the alive Jessika who isn't alive.
  • Player: Wate wut.
  • Jessika: When you make a choice, it changes places and people, yeah? So the world's got to know which of us to show you when it's showing one of us alive. And in the Underworld it's got to know which of us to show when it's showing one of us dead.
  • Player: ...okay...
  • Jessika: I'm Alive Jessika, not Dead Jessika. So she's in the Underworld, I'm here drinking navy rum on the rocks. S'cool.
• (After The Void Stares Back and before Nomad's Elegy:)
  • (Transcript missing. edit)

Korasi

• (After The Void Stares Back and Nomad's Elegy:)
  • ​Player: Korasi?
  • Korasi: Ey, if it isn't Player! It's well wicked to see you again!
  • Player: Hang on, I remember you were there during that business with Nomad - aren't you only supposed to be here if you're dead?
  • Korasi: I am dead, mate! You saved the other one, remember! I'd save the fit nerdy bit of totty and all, so I get you.
  • Player: Well, yes, but you went to the Underworld, so you're sort of still around...?
  • Korasi: Nah, the one in the Underworld is the Korasi who is either Korasi or Jessika - I'm the Korasi who's either Jessika or Korasi, innit.
  • Player: Wate wut.
  • Korasi: When you make a choice, it changes places and people, yeah? So the world's got to know which of us to show you when it's showing one of us alive. And in the Underworld it's got to know which of us to show when it's showing one of us dead.
  • Player: ...okay...
  • Korasi: So I'm the Korasi who you don't see when it's showing one of us alive because I'm the dead one, not the Korasi you see when it's showing one of us is dead. She's in the Underworld, I'm here drinking daiquiris.
• (After The Void Stares Back and before Nomad's Elegy:)
  • ​Player: Korasi?
  • Korasi: Ey, if it isn't Player! It's well wicked to see you again!
  • Player: I'm sorry I let you die.
  • Korasi: Hey, I'd save the fit nerdy bit of totty and all, so I get you.
  • Korasi: Besides, I'm sure you'll see me again some time, maybe in some quest you've not done yet or something.
  • Player: What?
  • Korasi: Sorry, no spoilers mate!

Talking to Vorago

• Vorago: Hoooom.
• Player: Are you pretending to be an Ent?
• Vorago: I... talk... very... slowly...
• Player: You're not skinny enough for an Ent. Besides, Mod Osborne made us take out all explicit references to that film about the one ring... you know?
• Vorago: That one about the lord and the giant well of lava and throwing it in?
• Player: Yeah that one!
• Vorago: Oh, okay, fine. How are you, Player?
• Player: To be honest I'm pretty confused by this place, but everyone seems friendly enough.
• Vorago: It's nice to get a bit of a break from all the violence for a while. Enjoy yourself!

Talking to either Zanik

• Zanik [#1]: Can you believe her?
• Zanik [#2]: I can't believe her.
• Zanik [#1]: I mean, can you believe her?
• Zanik [#2]: I can't. I can't believe her.
• Zanik [#1]: What's she got that we haven't got?
• Zanik [#2]: Nothing. She's got nothing.
• Zanik [#1]: I just can't believe her.
• Player: Who are you talking about?
• Zanik [#1] & Zanik [#2]: Zanik!
• Player: Wait...but aren't you Zanik?
• Zanik [#1]: Oh that's nice of you to say.
• Zanik [#2]: Very nice.
• Zanik [#1]: Very nice indeed.
• Zanik [#2]: Are you mocking us?
• Zanik [#1]: I think they're mocking us!
• Player: I'm not mocking you, I just don't understand.
• Zanik [#1]: We're talking about her.
• Zanik [#2]: The new one. The new Zanik.
• Zanik [#1]: The 'graphical rework'.
• Zanik [#2]: She thinks she's so great. Ooh, look at me, I'm Zanik. I'm so pretty. She'll find out.
• Zanik [#1]: I was angry when you replaced me, but they hated you!
• Zanik [#2]: They hated me! They hated me so much some of them...some of them even killed me!
• Zanik [#1]: I'm so sorry they hurt you!
• ' Player:' I'll just leave you to it.

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• Crispy the cabbage: Behind sceneries comfy place!
• Player: So, what do we do now that we're here?
• Crispy the cabbage: If I am of knowing, be much of tellings you. Maybe is into talking to anybody who is looking of important?

Entering the Beta Room Portal, Grand Exchange Maintenance, Central Bank Portal or Life Altar Portal before talking to Spiral Orb

• Spiral Orb: Oi, you with the action bar - over here!

Entering the Beta Room Portal, Grand Exchange Maintenance or Central Bank Portal after talking to Spiral Orb and before starting the relevant sub-quest

• Player: I shouldn't go wandering through portals until I know what I'm hoping to find the other side.

Entering the portal

• You peer into the portal; the portal peers also into you.

Entering the small portal

• You peer into the small portal; beyond you see worlds forming and ending.

Inquiring about the life altar

Talking to Spiral Orb

First time

• Spiral Orb: Hey you!
• Player: What?
• Spiral Orb: I know why you're here. You've noticed the cabbage patches aren't working, and you've traced the problem to here.
• Player: How could you know that?
• Spiral Orb: I watched a walkthrough video. Anyway, hi, I'm Spiral Orb, welcome to the Behind the Scenes pub!
  • What's up with the cabbage patches?
    • (Continues below.)
  • Have we met before?
    • Spiral Orb: I don't think so.
      • (If you did not participate in the 2009 Hallowe'en event, 2010 Hallowe'en event, and/or 2011 Hallowe'en event:)
        • Player: Oh, I must have you confused with someone else. Weird that I'd bring it up.
        • Spider Orb: So anyway, what were we saying?
        • Player: Cabbage patch.
        • (Continues below.)
      • (If you participated in the 2009 Hallowe'en event:)
        • Player: You're Minstrel Web, you did that sweet set at Death's house a few years back!
        • Spiral Orb: Oh snap, no way! Did you see me there?
        • Player: Yeah, but you were a bit terse with me, to be honest.
        • Spiral Orb: Oh I am so sorry. I was in such a mood that year, nothing to do with you.
        • Player: So you're calling yourself Spiral Orb now? You seem to be talking a bit differently too.
        • Spiral Orb: Oh, yeah, that. I was a bit tragic back then, wasn't I? So anyway, what were we saying?
        • Player: Cabbage patch.
        • (Continues below.)
• Spiral Orb: Oh yeah, that thing with the thing. I'll tell you what I know. Something is wrong with the life altar.
• Player: The life altar?
• Spiral Orb: Yes, the life altar in the basement.
• Player: The legendary life altar is in the basement?!
• Spiral Orb: Yes, in the basement. Problem is, it's broken. It exploded or something. The pieces flew everywhere. I've heard a few people talk about seeing the pieces around.
  • What can you tell me about them?
    • Spiral Orb: Okay, you'd better write this down.
    • Player: Actually I never write anything down. My quest journal just seems to remember everything for me.
    • Spiral Orb: That's handy! How does that work?
    • Player: I have no idea! I think it might be space magic.
      • Tell me about...
        • ...the first piece?
          • Spiral Orb: There's Lucien. I think he knows something.
          • Player: Who is Lucien?
            • (Before Temple of Ikov:)
              • Spiral Orb: This is a Sixth Age quest, technically Lucien is a major part of your backstory.
              • Player: Let's pretend for sake of argument that I haven't looked up the backstory online. Could you describe him to me?
              • Spiral Orb: Tall. Skull face. Big bendy stick.
              • Player: I'm sure I'll recognise him.
              • (Shows previous options.)
            • (After Temple of Ikov:)
              • Spiral Orb: According to your quest variables, you've completed Temple of Ikov. You already know who Lucien is. Besides, this is a Sixth Age quest, so technically you've completed Temple of Ikov anyway.
              • Player: Oh yeah, Lucien. Big guy, skull face, big bendy stick?
              • Spiral Orb: That's him.
              • (Shows previous options.)
        • ...the second piece?
          • Spiral Orb: I think Steve said something about seeing a piece.
          • Player: Steve?
          • Spiral Orb: Yeah, Steve. The chaos elemental.
          • Player: Oh no, the chaos elemental?
          • Spiral Orb: You know him?
          • Player: Only by reputation. Isn't he that guy who talks total gibberish?
          • Spiral Orb: That's mean! I know he has a funny accent, but I've never had any trouble understanding him!
          • Player: Well I'll do my best.
          • (Shows previous options.)
        • ...the third piece?
          • Spiral Orb: Let me think... let me think. Oh, there's Thok.
          • Player: Thok?
          • Spiral Orb: Yeah, Thok. Big viking guy.
          • Player: What's a viking?
          • Spiral Orb: Sorry, uhh, expy viking... Fremen... Fremenuh... Fremethingy.
          • Player: Could you describe him?
          • Spiral Orb: Oh yeah. Bare chest, beard all tied up. Kind of a dish to be honest, gets all my legs tingling.
          • Player: Okay, thok you, I mean thank you.
          • (Shows previous options.)
        • ...the fourth piece?
          • Spiral Orb: There is no fourth piece. Three pieces, three people. Find them all and you should be able to fix it.
          • Player: Funny, for some reason I was expecting four.
          • Spiral Orb: Ah yes, it was going to be four, but we ran out of development time. The good news is, that's one less you have to find!
          • Player: You mean one fewer.
          • Spiral Orb: What?
          • Player: One fewer, not one less. The pieces are discrete and countable.
          • Spiral Orb: Oh whatever, Poindexter.
          • (Shows previous options.)
        • I'll look for them.
          • Spiral Orb: Good luck!
  • I'll take a look around myself.
    • Spiral Orb: Okay, have fun!

Afterward

• Spiral Orb: Hello again!
  • Can you go over the life altar thing again?
    • Spiral Orb: You need to find and return all three missing fragments of the life altar.
      • Tell me about...
        • ...the first piece?
          • (As before.)
        • ...the second piece?
          • (As before.)
        • ...the third piece?
          • (As before.)
        • ...the fourth piece?
          • (As before.)
        • I'll look for them.
          • (As before.)
  • Have we met before?
    • Spiral Orb: I don't think so.
      • (If you did not participate in the 2009 Hallowe'en event, 2010 Hallowe'en event, and/or 2011 Hallowe'en event:)
        • Player: Oh, I must have you confused with someone else. Weird that I'd bring it up.
        • (Shows previous options.)
      • (If you participated in the 2009 Hallowe'en event:)
        • Player: You're Minstrel Web, you did that sweet set at Death's house a few years back!
        • Spiral Orb: Oh snap, no way! Did you see me there?
        • Player: Yeah, but you were a bit terse with me, to be honest.
        • Spiral Orb: Oh I am so sorry. I was in such a mood that year, nothing to do with you.
        • Player: So you're calling yourself Spiral Orb now? You seem to be talking a bit differently too.
        • Spiral Orb: Oh, yeah, that. I was a bit tragic back then, wasn't I?
        • (Shows previous options.)

Talking to Crunchy or Tim

• Tim: Hello!
• Crunchy: 'Hey.'
  • Who are you two then?
    • Tim: The name's Tim.
    • Crunchy: 'And I'm Crunchy.'
    • Tim: We're Crunchy and Tim. Maybe you've heard of us?
    • Player: No, sorry.
    • Tim: We're the guys, you know, from the old website. The skeleton guy and the knight guy. You know?
    • Player: Oh, no way, that was you two?
    • Tim: Yeah!
    • Player: Were you... this tall at the time?
    • Tim: No, there was a bit of a mixup. When they did the competition for the quest rewards, one of the finalists was us as bobbleheads.
    • Crunchy: 'Can you imagine? Us as tiny little people! Crazy!'
    • Tim: They drew up some concept art of it so that people would see how amazing we would be.
    • Crunchy: 'But we still didn't win!'
    • Tim: When it came to our models being made, the bobblehead concept art got used by accident. So that's the story of how we ended up two feet tall.
    • Crunchy: 'It sure is a sad story.'
    • Player: So what do you do here?
    • Tim: We're environment leads!
    • Player: What?
    • Crunchy: 'He said 'we're environment leads'.'
    • Player: What is an environment lead? Is that some sort of petrol pollution thing?
    • Tim: Not L-E-D lead! L-E-E-D lead! Lead, as in, leader!
    • Player: Oh sorry, it can be difficult to tell without voice acting. What does an environment lead do?
    • Tim: Environment artists are a kind of videogame modeller who build the world. See this place? Environment artists built it. They built all of RuneScape, in fact.
    • Crunchy: 'Out of sweat and tears.'
    • Player: Cool!
    • Tim: Our job is to tell the environment artists what to do.
    • Crunchy: 'It means we're real good at building stuff and breaking it down again.'
    • Player: So you're a bit like construction foremen?
    • Tim: That's exactly right.
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • Hey, what's new?
    • (Tim and Crunchy may randomly say any one set of the following:)
      • ​(Dialogue 1:)
        • Crunchy: 'Why aren't any of your jokes funny, Tim?'
        • Tim: Because humour is subjective, Crunchy!
          • ​(Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 2:)
        • Tim: Did you know Gardevoir was a dude?
        • Crunchy: 'Whaaaaat, really? No way!'
        • Tim: Totally.
          • (Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 3:)
        • ​Tim: Did you see Deadpool, Crunchy?
        • Crunchy: 'I didn't like all the fourth wall breaking and meta-humour to be honest.'
        • Tim: Yeah, me too. Plus Deathstroke is much cooler.
          • (Shows previous options.)
      • ​(Dialogue 4:)
        • Tim: Hey Crunchy, WAZZZZZZUP!
        • Crunchy: 'WAZZZZZZZUP!'
        • Tim: WAZZZZZZZUP!
        • Player: WAZZZZZZZZUP!
        • Tim: When you do it it doesn't seem funny anymore.
          • ​(Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 5:)
        • Tim: How are we doing with the translation budget?
        • Crunchy: 'We're way, way over it, buddy.'
        • Tim: Time to add more jokes!
          • (Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 6:)
        • Tim: It's three days to RC and this dialogue still isn't finished.​
        • Crunchy: 'Should probably get a move on then.'
        • Tim: True that.
          • (Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 7:)
        • ​Tim: New is an adjective that means it didn't exist until very recently.
        • Crunchy: 'You're a funny guy, Tim.'
        • Tim: Hey thanks Crunch, you're a pal.
          • (Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 8:)
        • ​Tim: Who's your favourite late night presenter, Crunchy?
        • Crunchy: 'It's obviously Craig Ferguson, isn't it.'
        • Tim: Oh, of course.
          • (Shows previous options.)
      • ​(Dialogue 9:)
        • Tim: Whoever wrote this dialogue is genius.
        • Crunchy: 'Don't forget the translators!'
        • Tim: Yeah they're the real heroes here. Hi translators!
          • ​(Shows previous options.)
      • (Dialogue 10:)
        • Tim: Why are you such a great guy, Crunchy?
        • Crunchy: 'Because I'm just a ventriloquist's dummy, Tim.'
        • Tim: Oh that's right!
          • ​(Shows previous options.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Tim: Life altar, eh? You need us to fix it? That sounds like a job for my crew of expert environment artists.
    • Crunchy: 'Sounds expensive.'
    • Tim: You're not wrong, Crunchy. Expensive, and difficult. Could take weeks. You want us to take a look?
    • Player: No, I'll figure it out for myself.
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Guthix

• Guthix: Can I help you?
  • Oh my - you're Guthix!
    • Guthix: Oh lord, it's a [fanboy/fangirl].
    • Player: Guthix, it's so good to see you again.
    • Guthix: You do realise Guthix is JUST a character?
    • Player: What do you mean?
    • Guthix: I am an actor. Guthix is just a character that I play.
    • Player: But-
    • Guthix: This is why I just hate doing genre work. The fanbase takes their fictional worlds much too personally and seriously. I never should have taken the role in the first place. I am a classically trained thespian! I believe I was only cast as Guthix due to my appearance. I fear I have become typecast; it is quite impossible to find work elsewhere in Gielinor now.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Guthix: Is it a problem which can be solved with superb acting sensibilities and gift for evoking pathos?
    • Player: Er, not really.
    • Guthix: Perhaps another can help you with your task. The chaos elemental, perhaps? I believe his name is Steve.
    • Player: Thanks.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Romeo

• Romeo: 'A lovestruck Romeo sings a street suss serenade...'
  • That song sounds familiar.
    • Romeo: I've been down here since 2010 and I still haven't gotten used to it.
    • Player: Gotten used to what?
    • Romeo: All the references. Up in RuneScape there are loads of references all the time, but no one ever talks about it.
    • Player: Oh yeah, didn't they remove you from the game because you were too blatant a reference?
    • Romeo: Yes! Down here though it's all pop culture all the time.
    • Player: Why do you think there are so many references in the game?
    • Romeo: There's two good reasons and one bad one, I reckon. Good reason one is to show respect for a source of inspiration. All art is imitative, and a well-placed reference acknowledges that fact without disrupting the flow of the work.
    • Player: Oh, like homages?
    • Romeo: Yes, exactly. Good reason two is to create a sense of camaraderie with the audience. Including a reference signals to the audience that the author shares their life experiences and loves all the same things.
    • Player: What's the bad reason?
    • Romeo: When it's used as a substitute for actual content. Using a lazy reference because you couldn't think of a line yourself is as bad as using a cliche. One other important thing is, the perfect reference is visible to those who get it, but invisible to those who don't.
    • Player: Hm?
    • Romeo: If it's obvious that it's a reference but you don't know what it's referencing, that makes you feel excluded from an in-joke.
    • Player: You must hate this quest then!
    • Romeo: Yeah...
    • Player: You've put a lot of thought into this.
    • Romeo: Surprising, isn't it? I'll be honest though, on any other subject I'm still the same randy old dog as always.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Romeo: Oh no, I couldn't possibly.
    • Player: Oh, well, thanks for nothing then.
    • Romeo: Have you met Lucien? With the face? He might know something.
    • Player: Oh, thanks.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Sphenischev

• Sphenishchev: Hello again, tovarisch^[sic]
  • Wait, have we met?
    • The penguin sighs deeply.
    • Sphenishchev: This is not first time we have had this conversation and it will not be last.
    • Player: Oh, who are you?
    • Sphenishchev: I will tell you once again, only because I have nothing better to do with time. My name is Sphenischev.^[sic] I am, or was, agent of KGP. Its finest agent. Not only for considerable skill at infiltration and safecraking, but because I possess very unique capability.
    • Player: What is that?
    • Sphenishchev: I have rare condition called oblituritis. It means no one can remember interaction with me.
    • Player: Ah, that sounds useful for a spy!
    • Sphenishchev: It was, until fateful day.
    • The penguin gazes into the distance.
    • Sphenishchev: It was 28th January, 2009. I was peacefully doing job of spying, when suddenly adventurers pour from every crevice of landscape! Unable to remember interacting with me, they spot me over and over and over again! So humiliating! The worst abusers were banned, of course, but it was too late for me. I was exiled here because I was 'glitchy'. My very greatest strength had become my greatest weakness. That is my story, friend. Take what you will from it.
    • Player: Have we met? Who are you?
    • Sphenishchev: *sigh*
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Sphenishchev: I know of this thing of which you speak, but I am afraid I cannot help you. Have you tried speaking to Thok? He has beard.
    • Player: Is the beard relevant?
    • Sphenishchev: I do not know. I am penguin. Beards are mystery to me.
    • Player: Well... thanks.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• Crispy the cabbage: Altar of livings is into much troubles. Please hurry talking to Thok, Lucien and Steve the elemental of chaoses and finding out what is of saving.

First fragment

Talking to Lucien

• Lucien: Oh hey man, what's up?
  • We need to talk.
    • Lucien: Do we know each other?
      • (Before Ritual of the Mahjarrat:)
        • Lucien: Do we know each other?
        • Player: Well, according to my backstory, you're like some kind of ultimate villain or something, but uh, I don't really remember any of that.
        • Lucien: Oh hey, Sixth Age blues, man? I feel you.
        • Player: Sixth Age?
        • Lucien: Sixth Age, man. It's like a philosophy. It means the past is the past. Live for the now. Hakuna matata. Carpe diem. YOLO. Forgive and forget. You know what I mean?
        • Player: I think so.
        • Lucien: That said, you really should complete Ritual of the Mahjarrat.
        • Player: Oh yeah?
        • Lucien: Yeah! I mean a lot of players still consider it RuneScape's best quest. The sheer scope of it as a storyline is just unprecedented, man. It defined a generation. The requirements are a beast but hey, it stars yours truly in his finest hour, so I'd say it's seriously worth the grind.
        • Player: Alright, thanks for the recommendation.
        • Lucien: No problem. But hey, enough about me.
        • (Shows previous options.)
    • After Ritual of the Mahjarrat:
      • Player: Know each other? You killed my friends!
      • Lucien: When was that, man?
      • Player: When you stole the Stone of Jas and tried to use it to become a god!
      • Lucien: Oh, you mean in Ritual of the Mahjarrat?
      • Player: And While Guthix Sleeps, you monster!
      • Lucien: You remember what happened at the end of ROTM?
      • Player: Of course I do! Your arrogance brought down the wrath of the dragonkin!
      • Lucien: Haha, yeah! That scaly dude was all in my face, and I was all like 'Oh no, get it off, urgh, I'm dead!' Good times!
      • Player: Good times? My friends are dead!
      • Lucien: Nah, you're looking at it all wrong! It ain't like that down here.
      • Player: What do you mean?
      • Lucien: Well I'm dead, right?
      • Player: Yes.
      • Lucien: But here we are talking!
      • Player: Yes...
      • Lucien: Up there, it's all a game, man. Nothing but a game. A fretful hour and all that Shakespeare and all that. Down here, death don't mean nothing. I wish I could introduce you to Hazelmere, he'd tell you.
      • Player: Hazelmere's alive?
      • Lucien: Yeah, well, no. I mean it's complicated. He was here for a while, and we were buds, man. I mean we were tight. We used to hit up TDs together and all that. Shoot some pool. Clean torstol. Good times. Then he got a part in Nomad's Elegy, so now he's technically dead, except, you know, he's back in RuneScape so maybe he's, you know, kind of alive in a way? I dunno man, I just miss him, you know? Now I have to clean torstol by myself. Me, I don't think I'm going back. Mahjarrat got no afterlife, see, on account of being divine, so if I'm dead, I'm dead. No takesies backsies.
      • Player: I see.
      • Lucien: Besides, it's the Sixth Age now, right?
      • Player: The Sixth Age?
      • Lucien: Sixth Age, man. It's like a philosophy. It means the past is the past. Live for the now. Hakuna matata. Carpe diem. YOLO. Forgive and forget. You know what I mean?
      • Player: I guess.
      • Lucien: Hey good for you, man. But enough about all that old stuff.
      • (Shows previous options.)
• Can you help me fix the life altar?
  • (The first time:)
    • Lucien: You're trying to put the life altar back together?
    • Player: That's right! That's just the sort of thing I do.
    • Lucien: Well you're not going to believe this, man. I had one of the pieces right in my hands, but then I lost it.
    • Player: You lost it?
    • Lucien: Well, I say lost, but it was more like stolen. Well, exactly like stolen.
    • Player: Someone stole it from you?
    • Lucien: Yeah man, and then he didn't even do anything with it, he just stashed it in his bank and went off to do something else.
    • Player: The bank?
    • Lucien: Yeah you know, the bank. That place where dudes keep all their climbing boots and hand cannons.
    • Player: Oh yes, I have one of those. Mine is full of junk to be honest. I really ought to clean it out.
    • Lucien: Hey man, frugality is for losers. I have a better idea, man. You should demand more bank space.
    • Player: I will! Good idea.
    • Lucien: But hey, I mean, getting back to the subject at hand and all that, getting that altar piece isn't gonna be a cakewalk. It's in someone else's bank, man, and you can't just open up someone else's bank. It wouldn't be right, for one thing, plus you don't know the bank pin.
    • Player: So I need to find the bank pin?
    • Lucien: Oh no, it won't be that easy. You're gonna have to break in.
    • Player: Whose bank is it? Who stole it from you?
    • Lucien: You won't believe this, man. It was only the Wise Old Man.
    • Player: The Wise Old Man? The notorious bank robber?
    • Lucien: The very same.
    • Player: How ironic.
    • Lucien: If you want that piece, you're gonna have to break in, and if you're gonna break in, you're gonna need a crack team of specialists or something. Why don't you head on into the bank, case the joint and that.^[sic]
    • Player: Where's the bank?
    • Lucien: Through this portal right next to me. Look for obstacles and barriers and stuff. Then take a look around the bar and see if you can find anyone to help out.
    • Player: Thanks!
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • (After the first time:)
    • Player: You said the life altar fragment's in the Wise Old Man's bank, right?
    • Lucien: That's right, man. Head on in through the portal next to me and case the joint. Look for obstacles and barriers and stuff. Then take a look around the bar and see if you can find anyone to help out.
    • Player: So on it.
    • (Shows previous options.)
• Not much, man.

Talking to Claire Hick

• (The first time:)
  • The receptionist has a pile of paperwork and a small scrying orb with a view of the vault.
  • Claire Hick: I'm sorry, your name isn't on the admittance list.
  • Player: But I haven't given you my name yet!
  • Claire Hick: I know.
  • You'll need to find a way to distract her from watching the vault.
    • If you have not yet found all four problems to overcome:
      • You have found X/4 problems to overcome.
    • (If you have found all four problems to overcome:)
      • ​You have found 4/4 problems to overcome. You should probably go and recruit some people to help you out.
• (After the first time:)
  • Claire Hick: Oh, you again. You shouldn't be in here.
  • The receptionist returns her attention to the vault surveillance orb and her paperwork. You'll need to find a way to distract her from watching the vault.

Talking to Ernie

• Ernie: No admittance except to authorised personnel!
• Player: But I am authorised personnel.
• Ernie: Oh, well then I'm very sorry. Let me just...^[sic] ...kindly suggest you walk away!
• You'll have to find someone to make the guard move out of the way.
  • (If you have not yet found all four problems to overcome:)
    • You have found X/4 problems to overcome.
  • (If you have found all four problems to overcome:)
    • ​You have found 4/4 problems to overcome. You should probably go and recruit some people to help you out.

Checking out the Locked Vault Door

• One vault to break through, and one safe to crack. This looks like two jobs that I'll need to recruit for.
  • (If you have not yet found all four problems to overcome:)
    • You have found X/4 problems to overcome.
  • (If you have found all four problems to overcome:)
    • ​You have found 4/4 problems to overcome. You should probably go and recruit some people to help you out.

Recruitment drive

Chaos Elemental

• Chaos Elemental: Hello, I'm Steve.
  • Who are you?
    • Chaos Elemental: As I said, I'm Steve.
    • Player: What kind of name is Steve?
    • Chaos Elemental: It's a perfectly reasonable name. What's your name?
    • Player: I'm Player.
    • Chaos Elemental: See, now THAT is a stupid sounding name.
    • Player: I didn't mean to insult you, I just meant... Steve sounds quite a mundane name for a chaos elemental.
    • Chaos Elemental: Oh? Oh? Is it? Should I have a name like Xmkptly Kzcymtlk?
    • Player: Yes, that's more what I was expecting!
    • Chaos Elemental: You know what that is? That's elementalist!
      • It's not elementalist!
        • Chaos Elemental: It is too!
        • (Shows previous options.)
      • Okay, I'm sorry for being elementalist.
        • Chaos Elemental: Thank you.
        • Player: So what do you do, Steve?
        • Chaos Elemental: I'm a journalist, a truth-bringer, a weaver of words.
        • Player: What?
        • Chaos Elemental: I tell people about stuff that's going to happen in the future.
        • Player: Oh, like a fortune teller?
        • Chaos Elemental: Yes, sort of.
        • Player: I think I might have read some of your stuff on the website.
        • Chaos Elemental: Oh! You're familiar with my work? How marvellous!
        • Player: Yes, but I can't understand a word of it. I was surprised you were so comprehensible in person.
        • Chaos Elemental: Ah, it's all a pretense, you see, to keep people interested. If you tell people things straight, even if it's information they need to know, they don't want to hear it. But if you mix it up, make a game of it, that's when people get really interested! I'm mostly retired now though.
        • Player: Oh, why is that?
        • Chaos Elemental: They started doing those BTS videos instead. Now I spend my time using player inspect to spy on what people are wearing.
        • Player: Oh, you're into fashionscape?
        • Chaos Elemental: Yes! I mean obviously I don't wear clothes myself, but I love to see other people expressing their individuality. What do you think of fashionscape? Tell me what you really think.
          • Express yourself
            • Fashionscape is the best!
              • (Continues below.)
            • I love fashionscape!
              • (Continues below.)
            • Fashionscape is my favourite thing ever!
              • (Continues below.)
        • Chaos Elemental: I am glad you like it too!
        • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Chaos Elemental: The life altar? Yes. I saw a piece of it fly off when it exploded.
    • Player: Great! Where is it?
    • Chaos Elemental: Would you like me to impart that knowledge in the form of a cryptic riddle?
      • Yes, please!
        • Chaos Elemental: Oh, I was expecting you to say no. I can't just ad-lib those. I'll just tell you.
          • (Continues below.)
      • NO! No, thank you.
        • Chaos Elemental: It's just as well. It takes me forever to come up with those.
          • (Continues below.)
    • Chaos Elemental: The piece I saw got blown into the Grand Exchange.
    • Player: The Grand Exchange?
    • Chaos Elemental: Yes, you know, the Grand Exchange. The GE. The chamber of commerce. The mansion of merching. You know the place.
    • Player: Oh yeah, that Grand Exchange.
    • Chaos Elemental: See the Grand Exchange is just a series of pipes. The piece blew in there and got stuck inside. Just head on in through that portal with all the pipes and see if you can get it loose. You'll probably have to fiddle with the pipes to get it all working again.
    • Player: Thanks.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Chaos Elemental: Oh no, I'm a law-abiding citizen. You know who isn't though? That penguin by the bar. He looks pretty shifty to me.
    • Player: Thanks.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye Steve!

Thok

• Thok: Helloooo fellow traveller!
  • Thok? What are you doing here?
    • Thok: Thok drinking!
    • Player: But Thok... this is where removed content goes to drink. You haven't been removed, have you?!
    • Thok: No!
    • Player: Then what are you doing here?
    • Thok: Thok like it here. Good beer.
    • Player: Thok, when we're on the surface world I know I won't have the courage to say this. But Thok... did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be.
    • Thok: Thok know that.
    • Player: No Thok, listen. You're the meaning in my life. You're the inspiration.
    • Thok: Thok know.
    • Player: You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you.
    • Thok: It okay. Thok know. Everyone feel this way about Thok.
    • Player: Good. I just wanted to let you know.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Thok: Help with what?
    • Player: The life altar, Thok. I need to fix it.
    • Thok: What is that?
    • Player: It's like... a big rock... with a picture on it. It exploded.
    • Thok: Ah yes! Thok know of this!
    • Player: Do you know where any of the pieces of it went?
    • Thok: Yes! Thok see piece go into Room of Beating. Thok's friend Max in there. He tell you.
    • Player: Where is that?
    • Thok: Through big glowing circle next to unfinished looking blue boxes.
    • Player: Okay, I'll go find and talk to Max.
    • Thok: First have drink with Thok!
    • You clink drinking glasses with Thok.
    • Thok: Skål!
    • Player: Skål!
    • You drink with Thok.
    • Thok: Okay bye now!
    • Player: Bye Thok!
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Thok: No, Thok cannot help with this^[sic]
  • Goodbye, Thok.

Crunchy or Tim

• Tim: Hello!
• Crunchy: 'Hey.'
  • Who are you two then?
    • (As before.)
  • Hey, what's new?
    • (As before.)
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Tim: You want to do what?
    • Player: Break into a bank.
    • Tim: Why do you want to do a thing like that?
    • Player: Quest says I have to.
    • Tim: No other options?
    • Player: Nope.
    • Tim: And what needs doing?
    • Player: I need to blow open a vault door.
    • Tim: Oh that's easy work for environment leads like us. What do you make of it, Crunch?
    • Crunchy: 'I think we should help, Tim.'
    • Tim: Well alright, but you have to do something for us first.
    • Player: Why am I not surprised? What is it this time? You want me to fetch you some shoes? You want me to polish all your belt buckles? You want me to dance for you like a ballerina?
    • Tim: Nothing like that. Building this place was really hard work for the lads.
    • Crunchy: 'You realise it goes on forever in both directions? You know how much work it is to build something infinitely large?'
    • Player: That does sound hard.
    • Tim: It's not just hard work, it's thirsty work.
    • Player: Let me guess. You want me to take a cup of tea to each of the five environment artists hanging around the bar?
    • Tim: That's uncannily accurate.
    • Player: I assume I can buy tea from the bartenders?
    • Tim: It might even be free.
    • Player: Is there some reason the environment artists can't get their own free tea from the bartenders they're standing right next to?
    • Tim: Did I mention that it's *really* tiring work?
    • Player: And you can't do it because...?
    • Tim: Tiny, tiny hands.
    • Player: Right. I'll get on with it...
    • Crunchy: 'I think you have great management potential!'
  • Goodbye.

Guthix

• Guthix: Can I help you?
  • Oh my - you're Guthix!
    • (As before.)
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Guthix: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
    • Player: I need to break into a bank. Can you help?
    • Guthix: What skills could a washed-up old actor possibly possess that would be of use to such an endeavour?
    • Player: Well, there's a guard that needs distracting.
    • Guthix: I see, I see... and what's your assessment of the morality of this action?
    • Player: I'm stealing back something that was stolen, which I need to save the world... sort of.
    • Guthix: Well, I may be able to put my skills to use in your service, but it seems only fair that you should perform some act of relief in recompense.
    • Player: What do you want?
    • Guthix: I have always striven to maintain a healthy work/life balance. Sadly being out of work has skewed said scales squarely towards the side of life. This has left me quite without direction and purpose and as such though it is a life filled with ample time, it is one bereft wholly of meaning.
    • Player: Oh, you want a job?
    • Guthix: Yes! I wish to act again! I want to strut and fret my hour upon the stage once more. I have heard tell of a company of actors, cabbages they say, who live in this place. Alas I cannot approach them myself, for what manner of distinguished player acts on his own behalf? No, you must be my agent in this matter. Secure a part for me and I will aid you with your trifle.
  • Goodbye.

Lucien

• Lucien: Oh hey man, what's up?
  • We need to talk.
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • (As before.)
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Lucien: Sorry man, my nerves are shot these days. Good luck though.
    • Player: Thanks anyway.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Not much, man.

Romeo

• Romeo: 'A lovestruck Romeo sings a street suss serenade...'
  • That song sounds familiar.
    • (As before.)
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Romeo: Do a what?
    • Player: Rob a bank.
    • Romeo: Why would I want to do that?
    • Player: It's super important.
    • Romeo: Oh, then of course I'll help. What do you need?
    • Player: I need someone to distract the female receptionist.
    • Romeo: Ah, I've had my eye on her for some time! I am indeed the perfect choice. I must caution you though, that such takes on gender roles are fast becoming trite in the modern age. There is one small problem.
    • Player: Of course there is. What is it?
    • Romeo: If I am to woo this lady, I will need to be at the top of my game! Sadly I fear my talents have atrophied. Find me some up to date advice on matters of the heart! Five pieces of advice, please.
    • Player: Can't you do it yourself?
    • Romeo: Oh, no. I don't want to look desperate.
      • Any idea who I should ask?
        • Romeo: Well, they'd need to be people who've been around for a while. You know, seen a few things. Been around the block a few times. Ideally they'd meet a lot of different people in their day to day lives. And uh... make sure you ask people who inspire loyalty and trust - leaaderly figures, you know.
        • Player: Should they be lovers, not fighters?
        • Romeo: Oh no, definitely fighters too.
        • Player: Anything else?
        • Romeo: I always think the best advice comes from people who are diametrically opposed, philosophically, culturally and politically.
        • Player: Those are quite specific criteria.
        • Romeo: Yes.
        • Player: Good thing the God Wars bosses are standing at a table over there.
      • I'll see who I can find.
  • Goodbye.

Sphenishchev

• Sphenishchev: Hello again, tovarisch^[sic]
  • Wait, have we met?
    • (As before.)
  • Will you help me break into the bank?
    • Sphenishchev: Bank, you say?
    • Player: I need someone with a very particular set of skills...
    • Sphenishchev: You want safe cracked?
    • Player: Yes, actually!
    • Sphenishchev: I am in.
    • Player: Don't you want to know what the job is?
    • Sphenishchev: No.
    • Player: Don't you want me to do something for you in return?
    • Sphenishchev: Not really. I love to crack safe. There is small, tiny, teensy, little problem.
    • Player: Of course there is.
    • Sphenishchev: You see, I do not have... dexterity of human hand. Opposable digits, you see. If you able to do work, I will guide you through process. Is deal?
    • Player: I don't see why not. You're the least awkward person I've met so far on this quest.
    • Sphenishchev: Good. I will see you in bank.
    • Sphenishchev teleports away.
      • (If you have yet to recruit all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited X/4 people needed.
      • (If you have recruited all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited everyone needed for the heist. Time to break into a bank!
    • Player: I wonder who that was?
  • Goodbye.

Giving Cups of tea to environment artists

Talking to a bartender

• Bartender: 'ello mate! What can I get you?
• Player: Well, I need X cups of tea to give people...
• Would you like to take X cups of tea now?
  • Yes
    • You receive X cups of tea.
  • No

Environment artist [#1]

• Environment artist: All I can think about is normals.
• This thirsty environment artist looks desperate for a nice cup of tea.
  • Help the poor fellow out?
    • Yes
      • (Without a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • You don't have a cup of tea to give out!
      • (With a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • Environment artist: That's very kind of you!
          • (If you have yet to give all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • You have given X/5 people their brew.
          • (If you have given all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • That's all the tea served. Crunchy and Tim should be satisfied.
    • No

Environment artist [#2]

• Environment artist: Nothing like kicking back after a hard day's work!
• This thirsty environment artist looks desperate for a nice cup of tea.
  • Help the poor fellow out?
    • Yes
      • (Without a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • You don't have a cup of tea to give out!
      • (With a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • Environment artist: That's very kind of you!
          • (If you have yet to give all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • You have given X/5 people their brew.
          • (If you have given all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • That's all the tea served. Crunchy and Tim should be satisfied.
    • No

Environment artist [#3]

• Environment artist: I hate map editor so much.
• This thirsty environment artist looks desperate for a nice cup of tea.
  • Help the poor fellow out?
    • Yes
      • (Without a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • You don't have a cup of tea to give out!
      • (With a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • Environment artist: That's very kind of you!
          • (If you have yet to give all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • You have given X/5 people their brew.
          • (If you have given all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • That's all the tea served. Crunchy and Tim should be satisfied.
    • No

Environment artist [#4]

• Environment artist: It's been a long day. I could use a drink.
• This thirsty environment artist looks desperate for a nice cup of tea.
  • Help the poor fellow out?
    • Yes
      • (Without a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • You don't have a cup of tea to give out!
      • (With a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • Environment artist: That's very kind of you!
          • (If you have yet to give all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • You have given X/5 people their brew.
          • (If you have given all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • That's all the tea served. Crunchy and Tim should be satisfied.
    • No

Environment artist [#5]

• Environment artist: Never underestimate the power of a five minute break.
• This thirsty environment artist looks desperate for a nice cup of tea.
  • Help the poor fellow out?
    • Yes
      • (Without a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • You don't have a cup of tea to give out!
      • (With a cup of tea in backpack:)
        • Environment artist: That's very kind of you!
          • (If you have yet to give all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • You have given X/5 people their brew.
          • (If you have given all 5 Environment artists Cups of tea:)
            • That's all the tea served. Crunchy and Tim should be satisfied.
    • No

After being served tea

• Environment artist: Aaah, nothing like a nice cuppa tea!

Returning to Crunchy or Tim

Before giving cups of tea to all environment artists

• Tim: An army marches on its stomach! Let's get everyone a nice brew!

After giving cups of tea to all environment artists

• Tim: How's that brew run going?
  • Everyone's been watered!
    • Tim: Good work! I guess me and Crunch here can come help you with that job of yours. We'll even do it for no charge, because assuming that the player has any coins would break the flow of the quest!
    • Player: Hey, thanks!
    • Crunchy: 'We'll be waiting for you in the bank.'
    • Crunchy and Tim teleport away.
      • (If you have yet to recruit all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited X/4 people needed.
      • (If you have recruited all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited everyone needed for the heist. Time to break into a bank!
  • I haven't got round to it yet.

Speaking to the cabbages for Guthix

Without cabbagespeak amulet

• (As before.)

With cabbagespeak amulet

• Cabbage: This is not into working!
• Player: Is something the matter?
• Cabbage: It of disastrous!!! Into new play, 'Put Those Edicts Back Where They Came From... Or So Help Me', but cannot of actor for play Guthix!
• Player: You can't find an actor to play the role of Guthix?
• Cabbage: Cannot into look of right! Guthix face of many characterful.
• Player: It's funny you should say that. I think I may have the perfect person for you.
• Cabbage: You into Guthix find of actor?
• Player: I represent a distinguished actor who not only has decades of experience on stage and screen, he has literally spent his lifetime perfecting the role of Guthix.
• Cabbage: Him of sound perfect! Say into more not! We be of hiring at time of now! You into telling.
• Player: I'll let him know.

Returning to Guthix

Before speaking with the cabbages

• Guthix: Have you spoken with the company of cabbages on my behalf?
• Player: Not yet.

After speaking with the cabbages

• Guthix: Have you spoken with the company of cabbages on my behalf?
  • Yes, they're very interested in working with you!
    • Player: Yes, the cabbages are performing what promises to be an absolutely unique interpretation of that classic 'Put Those Edicts Back Where They Came From... Or So Help Me'. Based on my recommendation, they want to offer you the leading role. This could be huge. It could go international!
    • Guthix: Oh, thank you! I only hope the part is one I will find challenging after such a long time in the wilderness.
    • Player: Oh, I thought you were sleeping somewhere near Ardougne.
    • Guthix: I don't have time for your meta-humour! I must start preparing for my new role.
    • Player: I still need your help with the bank job.
    • Guthix: Yes of course, of course. Well, let's get it over with as quickly as possible. I will see you in the bank.
    • Guthix teleports away.
      • (If you have yet to recruit all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited X/4 people needed.
      • (If you have recruited all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited everyone needed for the heist. Time to break into a bank!
  • No, not yet.

Gathering romantic advice for Romeo

Commander Zilyana

• Commander Zilyana: There's a free spot at the table if you want to join us.
• Player: Could I trouble you for some romantic advice? It's for a friend of course.
• Commander Zilyana: Of course! I am the *master* of chat up lines! Are you ready? Just say to them: 'You must have come fresh off the spinning wheel, baby, because you can string my bow any day.'
  • (If you have yet to gather all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You have gathered X/5 pieces of romantic advice.
  • (If you have gathered all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You probably have enough advice to give to Romeo now.
• (After receiving romantic advice:)
  • ​ What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

General Graardor

• General Graardor: Ho there, chap!
• Player: Could I trouble you for some romantic advice.^[sic] It's for a friend of course.
• General Graardor: I don't see why not. Has your 'friend' tried just talking to the lady or gentleman they are courting? Don't go for smarmy chat-up lines. Just get to know them a bit, find out what they like, what they have in common. I like to think of romance as a journey undertaken together rather than a conquest.
  • (If you have yet to gather all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • ​You have gathered X/5 pieces of romantic advice.
  • (If you have gathered all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You probably have enough advice to give to Romeo now.
• (After receiving romantic advice:)
  • ​ What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

Kree'arra

• Kree'arra: Good to see you!
• Player: Could I trouble you for some romantic advice? It's for a friend of course.
• Kree'arra: Romance isn't hard, buddy. Just remember this one little thing. No one buys flowers anymore because hot and cold got banned. Instead you should get them a Jadinko pet so they can front/back with it!
  • (If you have yet to gather all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You have gathered X/5 pieces of romantic advice.
  • (If you have gathered all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You probably have enough advice to give to Romeo now.
• (After receiving romantic advice:)
  • ​ What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

K'ril Tsutsaroth

• K'ril Tsutsaroth: Oh I say, it's the World Guardian. How do you do?
• Player: Could I trouble you for some romantic advice? It's for a friend of course.
• K'ril Tsutsaroth: It's all about how you dress, isn't it? Get some of those rare item tokens and trade them in for some nifty sunglasses. They'll come flocking. Failing that you could try wearing two eyepatches at the same time. Pretty much as good.
  • (If you have yet to gather all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You have gathered X/5 pieces of romantic advice.
  • (If you have gathered all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You probably have enough advice to give to Romeo now.
• (After receiving romantic advice:)
  • ​What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

Nex

• Nex: It is nice to get out of the cold for a bit!
• Player: Could I trouble you for some romantic advice? It's for a friend of course.
• Nex: Of course! I'm always glad to help. When I'm picking up chicks, I always impress them with my skills. Tell them about your Divination level. That ought to do it. Don't fill their soul with smoke or their lungs with blood though! That hasn't worked out so well for me.
  • (If you have yet to gather all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You have gathered X/5 pieces of romantic advice.
  • (If you have gathered all 5 pieces of romantic advice:)
    • You probably have enough advice to give to Romeo now.
• (After receiving romantic advice:)
  • ​ What are you all doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • See you around.

Returning to Romeo

Before gathering love advice

• Romeo: Have you managed to find any love advice for me?
  • Any idea who I should ask?
    • (As before.)
  • I'll see who I can find.

After gathering love advice

• Romeo: Have you managed to find any love advice for me?
  • Yes, some people had ideas.
    • Romeo: Ah good! What did you learn?
    • Player: Ok so, apparently-
    • Romeo: Not so loud! Suavity is like ninjitsu; the more people that possess it, the weaker it becomes for everyone.
    • Player: ...
    • *inaudible mumblings*
    • Romeo: Really? Are you sure your information is correct?
    • Player: Of course! It comes from ideal sources.
    • Romeo: Very well. I'll be waiting for you in the bank, practicing my techniques!
    • Romeo teleports away.
      • (If you have yet to recruit all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited X/4 people needed.
      • (If you have recruited all 4 people needed:)
        • You have recruited everyone needed for the heist. Time to break into a bank!
  • No, not yet.
    • Romeo: We can't get started on that receptionist until you do!

After all crew members are recruited

Talking to Lucien

• Lucien: Oh hey man, what's up?
  • We need to talk.
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Lucien: Yo man, you got your team together and that?
    • Player: Yes!
    • Lucien: Great! You should head on in to the bank then.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Not much, man.

At the bank

Talking to Romeo

• Romeo: Is it time yet?
• Player: I need you to distract that receptionist so I can break into the bank without her watching.
• Romeo: A doddle! With my new techniques she will melt like butter. You go and break the ice. Play the wingman. I'll arrive at the appropriate moment.

Talking to Guthix

Before talking to Claire Hick

• Guthix: I will be ready when I need to be. That is consummate professionalism.

After talking to Claire Hick

• Guthix: So what exactly is it that you need me to do here?
• Player: I need that guard to abandon his post. Think you can handle it?
• Guthix: Of course! Just go and introduce me!

Talking to Claire Hick

• Claire Hick: Not you again!
• Player: Hi.
• Claire Hick: What do you want now?
• Player: Have you met my friend?
• Romeo: Hello my love! We meet again!
• Claire Hick: Oh, no. Romeo? What are you doing here?
• Romeo: I have come to seduce you, my little chickadee.
• Claire Hick: Please leave.
• Romeo: You must have come fresh off the spinning wheel, baby, because you can string my bow any day.
• Claire Hick: Get out of here before something nasty happens to you!
• Romeo: My Divination level is 34.
• Claire Hick: Right! That's it! Come here so I can punch you!
• Romeo: Ah, playing hard to get? Two can play at that game my dear! Catch me if you can!
• Claire Hick and Romeo teleport away.
• Player: The complex gender roles at work in that scene make my head spin!

Talking to Ernie

Before talking to Claire Hick

• Ernie: No admittance except to authorised personnel!

After talking to Claire Hick

• I have someone who wants to speak to you.
  • Guthix: Guard! What sort of state do you call this?
  • Ernie: What?
  • Guthix: Your uniform is a disgrace! Is this how you present yourself to the president of the bank? Your helmet is unpolished. Your boots look like they came out of a well. As for your trousers... I'm not even going to discuss them. You are a disgusting worm!
  • Ernie: Sir sorry sir!
  • Guthix: I should have you thrown out of the bank guard's guild!
  • Ernie: Sir please don't sir! I need this job to pay for my twelve starving children sir!
  • Guthix: If you want to keep your job then I suggest you go and clean yourself up right this second!
  • Ernie: Sir yes sir!
  • Guthix and Ernie teleport away.
  • Player: I didn't expect that to work.
• Nothing at all!
  • Ernie: Then move along! You have no business here!

Talking to Crunchy or Tim

Before introducing Guthix to Ernie

• Tim: Get that fellow out from in front of the door and we'll take it out for you.

After introducing Guthix to Ernie

• Tim: Go up and click on that door and we'll get started.

Talking to Sphenishchev

Before Tim deletes part of the Vault Door

• Sphenishchev: I will be here when you need me, tovarisch.

After Tim deletes part of the Vault Door

• Sphenishchev: Hello.
• Player: Wait, who are you?
• Sphenishchev: I am here to help.
• Player: Oh, that's convenient. I need someone to help me crack a safe.
• Sphenishchev: Da, that is why I am here. You get started.

Checking out the Vault Door

• Tim: Right, let me just delete this chunk of door off its map square...
• Tim removes a chunk of door from the ground.
• Tim: There we go, that'll be gone when the server refreshes. See you later!
• Crunchy and Tim teleport away. The door is replaced with an open hole through which you can enter.

Entering the Vault Door

• You enter through the Vault Door.

Opening the Bank Deposit Box

• Sphenishchev: Are you ready?
• Player: Wait, who are you?
• Sphenishchev: Chert! I am Sphenischev^[sic]. You bring me to crack safe.
• Player: Did I?
• Sphenishchev: Da! I do not have time to explain again. Your player remembers even if you do not.
• Player: Oh, okay.
• Sphenishchev: Are you ready?
• Player: Er, I guess, Mr Mystery Penguin.
• Sphenishchev: Okay I tell you what to do. First you flip little switch on side.
• You turn to face the safe.
• Player: Like this?
• You flip a switch on the side of the safe.
• Sphenishchev: Yes is correct. Now grab handle, and slowly twist and pull towards you.
• You grab the handle with one hand, and twist and pull the handle towards yourself with both hands.
• Sphenishchev: And that is that.
• Player: Seriously? That was it?
• Sphenishchev: Yes. Job well done. You take what you want from safe now.
• Player: Wait, who are you?
• Sphenishchev: I hate working with other people...
• Sphenishchev teleports away. The safe opens and you turn to face the safe.
• Player: ...hey, the safe's open! That's handy.

Searching the Bank Safety box

• You begin searching the vault...
• You reach into the vault.
• You find a box with a label which reads 'Wise Old Man'. You open the box and find a piece of the life altar.
• You found a piece of the life altar!

Searching the Bank Safety box again

• (With the life altar fragment 1:)
  • Until recently, this bank had never been broken into.
• (Without the life altar fragment 1:)
  • How did this altar piece get bank in here? You resolve not to lose it again.
  • You retrieve the life altar fragment 1.

Exiting the Bank of Behind the Scenes

• Leave this room?
  • Yes
    • You teleport out of the Bank of Behind the Scenes.
  • No

Talking to Lucien

Before adding the fragment to the altar

• Lucien: Oh hey man, what's up?
  • We need to talk.
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Player: I got a fragment from the bank.
    • Lucien: Good job, man. If you head on through the life altar portal you can fix it right up.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Not much, man.

After adding the fragment to the altar

• Lucien: Oh hey man, what's up?
  • We need to talk.
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Lucien: You got that piece installed in the life altar?
    • Player: Yep.
    • Lucien: Amazing job, man!
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Not much, man.

Second fragment

Talking to the Chaos Elemental

• Chaos Elemental: Hello, I'm Steve.
  • Who are you?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye Steve!

After the first time

• Chaos Elemental: Hello, I'm Steve.
  • Who are you?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Chaos Elemental: As I said, I think there's a piece stuck in the GE. Just head on in through that portal with all the pipes and see if you can get it loose.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye Steve!

Repairing Grand Exchange pipes

• (Grand Exchange Plumbing Works opens.)

As you rotate pipes

• (Any one of the following messages may appear at random:)
  • You fiddle with the pipes. A GE clerk is wrongfully accused of price manipulation.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. A piece of a runecrafting altar flies past too fast to catch.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. A voucher for 60% off your next purchase flies out, sadly out of date.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. Crafting and Smithing become profitable.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. High level gear becomes too expensive to afford, nerf pls.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. JMods make a huge quantity of money on their private accounts somehow.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. Party hats become untradeable.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. Something something spirit shards.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The alch value of rune gear drops by 90%.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The GE briefly accepts only ectotokens as currency.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The GE tax rises from 0% to 5% on all transactions.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The price of climbing boots skyrockets.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The price of mint cakes doesn't rise.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The price of needles climbs 200%.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The price of seismic wands crashes. Panic sell wands.
  • You fiddle with the pipes. The value of your bank doubles! and then halves.^[sic]

Upon solving the puzzle

• You're pretty sure you got all the prices back to what they were. Hopefully. Maybe the economy will survive.
• A piece of life altar pops out of the machine. Huzzah!

Repairing the Grand Exchange pipes after solving the puzzle

• (With the life altar fragment 2:)
  • It's the grand exchange. Best update in RuneScape history!
• (Without the life altar fragment 2:)
  • A piece of life altar pops out of the machine. Huzzah!
  • You found a piece of the life altar!

Resetting the puzzle after solving it

• You think the motto might be 'If it ain't broke, fix it until it is' but that's not actually the case so you leave the pipes alone.

Exiting the Grand Exchange

• Leave this room?
  • Yes.
  • No.

Talking to the Chaos Elemental

• Chaos Elemental: Hello, I'm Steve.
  • Who are you?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Player: I got the fragment out of the GE.
    • Chaos Elemental: Good for you! Find the life altar portal and you can put it back where it belongs.
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye Steve!

After replacing the life altar fragment

• Chaos Elemental: Hello, I'm Steve.
  • Who are you?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Chaos Elemental: Everything okay with that life altar piece?
    • Player: I got the one from the GE installed.
    • Chaos Elemental: Good for you!
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye Steve!

Third fragment

Talking to Thok

• Thok: Helloooo fellow traveller!
  • Thok? What are you doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye, Thok.

After the first time

• Thok: Helloooo fellow traveller!
  • Thok? What are you doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Thok: You find Max, friend of Thok yet?
    • Player: Where is he again?
    • Thok: In Room of Beating through big glowing circle next to unfinished looking blue boxes.
    • Player: Okay, I'll go find him.
    • Thok: First have drink with Thok!
    • You clink drinking glasses with Thok.
    • Thok: Skål!
    • Player: Skål!
    • You drink with Thok.
    • Thok: Okay bye now!
    • Player: Bye Thok!
  • Goodbye, Thok.

In the Beta Testing room

Opening any of the skill room doors before talking to Max

• Player: I think I ought to talk to Max about all this first...

Talking to Max

• Max: Hi there!
• Player: Oh, hey Max, it's me, the world guardian!
• Max: Oh hey, world guardian #X!
• Player: What?
• Max: [X-1] other players have come through here since the quest was launched.
• Player: So what are you doing here, Max?
• Max: Oh well, you know, I maxed every skill in RuneScape, so I've come here looking for new skills to max. This is the beta room, where new skills get developed.
• Player: Is that why it looks all broken and unfinished?
• Max: That's right! I sneak in here to do the new skills in advance.
• Player: But that's cheating!
• Max: It's not cheating. When the skill goes live, all my beta progress gets wiped.
• Player: Then why do you do it?
• Max: I learn all the tricks and training methods. How do you think I maxed Invention so quickly? I knew all those rates in advance, baby.
  • But you took ages to max Invention!
    • A tear appears at the corner of Max's eye and he quickly wipes it away.
    • Max: What do you want, anyway?
    • Player: Thok told me there was a fragment of the life altar in here. Have you seen it? I need it.
    • Max: Oh that, yeah. I have it, but I'm not giving it to you because you were mean to me. If you want the fragment you'll have to make it up to me - I want you to max all the prototype skills in here!
    • (Continues below.)
  • I'm looking for a piece of life altar.
    • Max: Oh, yes, that - I have it.
    • Player: Great! Will you give it to me?
    • Max: Just like that? No, I don't think so. You wouldn't value a thing that comes too easily.
    • Player: What if I promise I would?
    • Max: No, I think it would be better if you maxed all the skills in this room in return for it.
    • (Continues below.)
• Player: Max all of them? But that will take forever!
• Max: Go on, give it a go! The balance isn't final anyway.
• Player: Okay, what skills do I need to do?
• Max: There's three prototype skills, one in each room. Get all of them to 99 and I'll give you the altar piece.
  • But what skills are they?
    • Max: It's a surprise!
    • Player: Go on, give me a clue.
    • Max: Well... we've got some real classics down here.
    • Player: Like what?
    • Max: I mean these are real top-line, down-and-dirty, old school skills we're talking about here.
    • Player: What? What are they?
    • Max: We're not talking Divination or other random made up stuff.
    • Player: What are the skills? Tell me?
    • Max: These ain't no minigames pretending to be skills.
    • Player: JUST TELL ME!
    • Max: Are you sure you're ready for this?
    • Player: YES!
    • Max: Okay, well first up we've got Bankstanding.
    • Player: Bankstanding?
    • Max: Bankstanding. Fan favourite.
    • Player: I... was not expecting that. What else?
    • Max: Well, we got... Are you sure you're ready?
    • Player: Yes!
    • Max: You don't want to sit down?
    • Player: No! Tell me!
    • Max: It's only... Riding!
    • Player: Wow!
    • Max: And Sailing!
    • Player: Double wow!!!
    • Max: You'd better get on with it!
    • Player: I will!
  • I'll get right on with that then.

After the first time

• Max: You're doing great, kid. Don't get cocky!
  • Remind me what I'm doing again?
    • Max: There's three prototype skills, one in each room. Get them all to 99 and I'll give you the altar piece.
      • But what skills are they?
        • (As before.)
      • I'll get right on with that then.
  • Drop some skilling knowledge on me.
    • Max: You know, I met a man - a JMod, actually - down here, who had a rotten potato.
    • Player: What's that?
    • Max: It's a kind of cheat tool that JMods can use to hack their characters. You can max your skills, complete quests, teleport anywhere in the world, even spawn Jad. All with just a click!
    • Player: Wow!
    • Max: I know, right? Imagine the power!
    • Player: Did you... use it?
    • Max: No, of course not! I mean I'm not saying I wasn't tempted, but... The thing you have to understand about skilling is that it's not the destination that matters, but the journey. If I could just skip to the end, what would be the point? It's not like having 99 Firemaking is actually doing anything for me! People look up to me, and legendary players like Zezima and Suomi, because of the accomplishment, not the levels. It's not what we have that matters, it's what we've done.
    • Player: Thanks Max.
  • I recognise that quote.
    • Max: You do?
    • Player: The line is actually 'That's great kid, don't get cocky.'
    • Max: Sure.
    • Player: It's from a popular sci-fi movie series that we're hesitant to explicitly name for legal reasons.
    • Max: Oh, really?
    • Player: You've never seen it?
    • Max: No. But then technically neither have you.
    • Player: No, I suppose not.
    • Max: No cinema in RuneScape.
    • Player: No, true.
    • Max: It's a real shame.
    • Player: We miss out on a lot of great movies.
    • Max: Yeah.
    • Player: Yeah.
    • Max: So... you should probably get back to it.
    • Player: Yeah.
    • Max: *cough* Nerd.
    • Player: What was that?
    • Max: Nothing.
  • Bye Max.

Opening Barricaded doors

Barricaded door [#1]

• Player: Looks like someone forgot to turn the ocean off.

Barricaded door [#2]

• The Acid skill. Shelved due to concerns over how the player base would react to it. They might get salty.

Barricaded door [#3]

• This door has 'Warning: All The Bees' written on it in shaky handwriting.

Barricaded door [#4]

• There is a sign stuck to this door.
• Lots Of Blood storage room - not a skill, do not develop!
• Player: There's something written on the other side...
• Marmelade-Vorratskammer - keine Fertigkeit, Entwicklung verboten!
• Player: Weird.

Barricaded door [#5]

• The door is barricaded unusually firmly; behind it you hear a sound as of a million female voices chanting 'Pargon'.
• Player: I suspect it would be madness to open that door.

Barricaded door [#6]

• It's sticky.

Barricaded door [#7]

• Player: Something about the contents of this room brings the word 'squidgy' to mind. Also 'polyp'.

Barricaded door [#8]

• Player: Shame development on this one seems to have frozen, I know some people who could do with chilling out.

Barricaded door [#9]

• Player: There's a torn note on this door.
• Don't go in here if you value y^[sic]
• Player: It's got some stains on it.

Barricaded door [#10]

• Player: Oooh, maybe they're working on the Spontaneous Combustion skill after all!

Barricaded door [#11]

• Eyes watch you from the darkness within this room. Suddenly the barricade seems remarkably flimsy to you.

Barricaded door [#12]

• From behind this door you hear beautiful, inspiring music played expertly on a variety of instruments.
• Player: Shame I can't get in here, it's firmly Bard.

Barricaded door [#13]

• Player: Arghh, my eyes! What is this, the Blinding You With Science skill?

Barricaded door [#14]

• Player: I can look right through this door!
• You peer through the opening in the opened barricaded door.
• Player: No. Nope. No. Uh uh.
• You pause for a moment.
• Player: Nooooooo.

In the Bankstanding room

Talking to Max

• Max: You're doing great, kid. Don't get cocky!
  • What's up in this room?
    • (If 99 Bankstanding is not achieved:)
      • Max: Bankstanding!
      • Player: Bankstanding...?
      • Max: Bankstanding! One of my favourites, to be honest. Just stand in the bank area to get started. Make sure you're ready to feel the burn, though. Not everyone can handle the pressure!
    • (If 99 Bankstanding is achieved:)
      • Max: You're done here, let's pick another room!
  • Drop some skilling knowledge on me.
    • (As before.)
  • I recognise that quote.
    • (As before.)
  • How are you standing in more than one place?
    • Max: I have multiple clients running.
    • Player: But that's against the Terms of Service!
    • Max: No it isn't. My accounts aren't interacting in any way.
    • Player: Then why are you doing it?
    • Max: I like to max on multiple accounts at the same time. You haven't lived until you've hit a hundred and eight 99s at the same time.
    • Player: That sounds like hard work.
    • Max: I love it!
  • Bye Max.

While Bankstanding

• You enter the bank-standing area. You feel yourself beginning to gain XP in the Bank-standing skill.
  • (After this any of the following may randomly occur, forcing you out of the bank area:)
    • The pressure is too much to bear.
    • You don't have time to hang around here!
    • You forget what you're doing and absent mindedly^[sic] wander off.
    • You wonder what that thing over there is.

Achieving Level 99 Bankstanding

• Well done! You've achieved the highest possible level in this skill.

In the Riding room

Talking to Max

• Max: You're doing great, kid. Don't get cocky!
  • What's up in this room?
    • (If 99 Riding is not achieved:)
      • Max: Riding!
      • Player: OMG Riding!? I thought Riding wasn't possible in RuneScape's engine!
      • Max: Well... I don't want to lower your expectations, but... that's pretty much true. Anyway, just go stand on one of those squares and follow the instructions!
    • (If 99 Riding is achieved:)
      • Max: You're done here, let's pick another room!
  • Drop some skilling knowledge on me.
    • (As before.)
  • I recognise that quote.
    • (As before.)
  • How are you standing in more than one place?
    • (As before.)
  • Bye Max.

Talking to the Riding tutor

• Riding tutor: Hello there, I'm the Riding tutor!
• Player: Riding? Isn't that just a rocking unicorn?
• Riding tutor: Ah...well...yes, but we haven't quite got the skill finished yet so this is what we have to work with. It's basically the same, you just have to imagine you're moving. Climb aboard one of the rocking unicorns and copy me to gain XP!

Riding the rocking unicorn

Upon starting

• Your noble steed transitions fluidly into the Rock animation.

Selecting the Rock pose

• Your noble steed transitions fluidly into the Rock animation.

Selecting the Trot pose

• Your noble steed transitions fluidly into the Trot animation.

Selecting the Gallop pose

• Your noble steed transitions fluidly into the Gallop animation.

Selecting the Turn pose

• Your noble steed transitions fluidly into the Turn animation.

While riding the rocking unicorn

Calling out the Rock pose

• Riding tutor: Rock!

Calling out the Trot pose

• Riding tutor: Trot!

Calling out the Gallop pose

• Riding tutor: Gallop!

Calling out the Turn pose

• Riding tutor: Turn!

Achieving Level 99 Riding

• Well done! You've achieved the highest possible level in this skill.

In the Sailing room

Talking to Max

• Max: You're doing great, kid. Don't get cocky!
  • What's up in this room?
    • (If 99 Sailing is not achieved:)
      • Max: Sailing!
      • Player: OMG Sailing!?
      • Max: I know right!
      • Player: This room is a bit small and... un-oceanic.
      • Max: Well, yeah... It's in a sorry state, to be honest. They didn't have time to make the sea, or boats, or islands... But hey, head to the boarding point, and experience something which is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Sailing.
    • (If 99 Sailing is achieved:)
      • Max: You're done here, let's pick another room!
  • Drop some skilling knowledge on me.
    • (As before.)
  • I recognise that quote.
    • (As before.)
  • How are you standing in more than one place?
    • (As before.)
  • Bye Max.

Battleship spawning

• yarr im a battleship^[sic]

Searching bubbling water

First time

• You reach down into the water...
• You haul a chest out of the murky depths.

Afterward

• You've already found the treasure here. Better wait for a new one to spawn.

Searching desert island

First time

• (One of the following is randomly selected:)
  • After sailing the seas, you find an island. Exploring it you discover it contains an ancient race of lizard men.
  • After sailing the seas, you find an island. In the middle you find a skeleton surrounded by pickaxe heads and handles.
  • After sailing the seas, you find an island. It seems to be full of fossils.
  • After sailing the seas, you find an island. Searching the island you find some buried treasure.

Afterward

• You've already explored this island. Better wait for a new one to spawn.

Achieving Level 99 Sailing

• Well done! You've achieved the highest possible level in this skill.

After obtaining Level 99 in all three skills

Talking to Max

First time

• Player: I've done it! I've got 99 in all three skills!
• Max: Oh hey, good job!
• Player: Really?
• Max: Yeah, good job. I mean that sincerely.
• Max: Well thanks Max.
• Max: No worries. Here's your fragment.
• Max hands you a piece of broken stone with strange carvings on it.
• You found a piece of the life altar!
• Player: Thanks Max. At first I was annoyed that you didn't just give me the fragment, but now that I've worked hard for it, I really feel like I earned it.
• Max winks at you.
• Player: Well I'll be going.
• Max: See you!

Afterward

• Max: Good job getting 99 in all those skills!
  • Drop some skilling knowledge on me.
    • (As before.)
  • Thanks, Max.

Talking to Thok

Before adding the fragment to the altar

• Thok: Helloooo fellow traveller!
  • Thok? What are you doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Player: Max made me max a whole lot of skills. I did it though.
    • Thok: Good! You take small rock to big rock and smash together! Problem solved. First have drink with Thok!
    • You clink drinking glasses with Thok.
    • Thok: Skål!
    • Player: Skål!
    • You drink with Thok.
    • Thok: Okay bye now!
    • Player: Bye Thok!
  • Goodbye, Thok.

After adding the fragment to the altar

• Thok: Helloooo fellow traveller!
  • Thok? What are you doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you help me fix the life altar?
    • Thok: Not all finished?
    • Player: Max's piece of the life altar is back in place.
    • Thok: Good! First have drink with Thok!
    • You clink drinking glasses with Thok.
    • Thok: Skål!
    • Player: Skål!
    • You drink with Thok.
    • Thok: Okay bye now!
    • Player: Bye Thok!
  • Goodbye, Thok.

Life altar

Talking to Spiral Orb

Before repairing the life altar

• Spiral Orb: Hello again!
  • Can you go over the life altar thing again?
    • Spiral Orb: You need to find and return all three missing fragments of the life altar.
    • Player: I have all the pieces!
    • Spiral Orb: Oh nice! Better get on down to the life altar and fix it up then!
    • Player: Where is the life altar?
    • Spiral Orb: You know the big portals? It's one of those, it has all grass and plants around it.
  • Have we met before?
    • (As before.)

After repairing the life altar

• Spiral Orb: Hello again!
  • I repaired the life altar!
    • Spiral Orb: Good job! That's give me inspiration for a new song. I call it 'Broken Rocks, Broken Heart'. What do you think?
      • Pretty sweet!
        • Spiral Orb: I thought so too.
      • Lame.
        • Spiral Orb: Your face is lame.
  • Have we met before?
    • (As before.)

Investigating the life altar

• If you have no life altar fragments with you:
  • (If no pieces have been added:)
    • The life altar has been broken into pieces. Looking closer it appears that 3 fragments have been removed.
  • (If some of the pieces have been added:)
    • The life altar has been broken into pieces. [1/2] of the 3 fragments have been replaced.
  • (If all of the pieces have been added:)
    • The life altar has been repaired.
• If you have one life altar fragment with you:
  • You add 1 fragment to the life altar.
• If you have two life altar fragments with you:
  • You add 2 fragments to the life altar.
• If you have three life altar fragments with you:
  • You add 3 fragments to the life altar.

After adding all fragments to the life altar

• Screen fades out and then back in. Black Knight Titan appears.
• Black Knight Titan: Hahahahahaha! You fool. You have fallen into my trap!
• Player: No!
• Black Knight Titan: Yes!
• Player: Oh no!
• Black Knight Titan: Oh yes!
  • So... who are you?
    • Black Knight Titan: Don't you recognise me?
    • Player: Nope.
    • Black Knight Titan: I am... the Black Knight Titan!
    • Player: Oh.
    • Black Knight Titan: I don't think you heard me. I said THE BLACK KNIGHT TITAN!
    • Player: I heard you.
    • Black Knight Titan: I don't think you can have, because if you had, you would have reacted with more genuine emotion.
    • Player: Oh, sorry. Can we go again?
    • Black Knight Titan: I AM THE BLACK KNIGHT TITAN!
    • Player: GASP!
    • Black Knight Titan: Better!
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • What's your villainous backstory?
    • Black Knight Titan: My tale is a tragic one.
    • Player: Please tell me, I'm really interested.
    • Black Knight Titan: Really?
    • Player: Really.
    • Black Knight Titan: You won't spacebar through it?
      • Promise.
        • (Continues below.)
      • I can't guarantee that. It sounds like a long story.
        • (Continues below.)
    • Black Knight Titan: I am not the first Black Knight Titan. Somewhere up there, an ancient fossil runs around with impunity.
    • Player: Who?
    • Black Knight Titan: The original Black Knight Titan!
    • Player: I thought you were the Black Knight Titan?
    • Black Knight Titan: I'm the graphical rework. My predecessor is the ugliest model in Runescape^[sic].
      • You're not wrong there.
        • (Continues below.)
      • How dare you!
        • (Continues below.)
    • Black Knight Titan: I am his replacement, and I am *so* beautiful! I was made using industry standard modelling tools, not cooked up in some sort of bespoke contraption! My poly count is higher than your IQ! My textures are UV unwrapped! I'm so unwrapped I make my predecessor look like a burrito. A burrito that's been wrapped up as the prize in pass the parcel! A burrito that -
    • Player: I get it.
    • Black Knight Titan: But the team were too busy working on high priority ninja fixes to put me in game. I just languished here.
    • Player: Is that so bad?
    • Black Knight Titan: You don't understand. The old NPCs here don't want to associate with me. I'm everything they hate! I'm beautiful and they're so ugly! They call me vain! Vain! Me? How can I be vain when I'm so beautiful? So I was forced to live... alone... I tried haunting the ruins of Old Falador but Guthix kept wandering around singing 'I Dreamed A Dream' to taunt me. That's not even from Phantom of the Opera! It's from Les Mis! I don't belong down here. I belong up there, up where they walk, up where they run, up where people can appreciate me.
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • Why were you hiding at the life altar?
    • Black Knight Titan: Indeed you have surmised that the altar is the key to my plan. Life runes are what the people of this place use to respawn. But the altar is too powerful! Without needing essence, it generates life runes constantly. The cabbagemancer regulated it, transforming the excess life runes into cabbages and sending them to the surface. Cabbages are so tasty that people are eager to consume them and thus maintain the balance.
    • Player: What happened to the cabbagemancer?
    • Black Knight Titan: I killed her!
    • Player: You monster!
    • Black Knight Titan: It's okay. She was a botter *and* an account sharer. So who's the real monster?
    • Player: Well, maybe. Presumably you didn't kill her just for that though?
    • Black Knight Titan: Indeed not! Without the cabbagemancer, there was no one to control the flow of life runes! They got out of control! The altar exploded. With the supply of delicious cabbages cut off, I knew someone would investigate, leading them, inevitably, here. And whoever arrived would bring with them my ultimate goal... A disk of returning!
    • Player: No... You lured me?
    • Black Knight Titan: Yes! I bet you feel stupid now.
    • Player: Not really. This whole quest has been so linear.
    • Black Knight Titan: That may be, but breaking the fourth wall will not save you now.
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can we just get on with the boss fight?
    • Black Knight Titan: Indeed! Let's you and me fight! I shall slay you, loot the disk of returning from your gravestone, and use it to ascend to the surface! Prepare to taste the wrath of my high-res broken looking sword thing!
    • Black Knight Titan attacks.

Talking to the Chaos Elemental

• Chaos Elemental: Hello, I'm Steve.
  • Who are you?
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye Steve!

Talking to Crunchy or Tim

• Tim: Hello!
• Crunchy: 'Hey.'
  • Who are you two then?
    • (As before.)
  • Hey, what's new?
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Guthix

• Guthix: Can I help you?
  • Oh my - you're Guthix!
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Lucien

• Lucien: Oh hey man, what's up?
  • We need to talk.
    • (As before.)
  • Not much, man.

Talking to Romeo

• Romeo: 'A lovestruck Romeo sings a street suss serenade...'
  • That song sounds familiar.
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Sphenishchev

• Sphenishchev: Hello again, tovarisch^[sic]
  • Wait, have we met?
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Thok

• Thok: Helloooo fellow traveller!
  • Thok? What are you doing here?
    • (As before.)
  • Goodbye, Thok.

Talking to Crispy the cabbage in your inventory

• Crispy the cabbage: Altar of livings is better now, but Titan is much of need killings.

Whilst fighting the Black Knight Titan

• Black Knight Titan: DIE!

Defeating the Black Knight Titan

First time

• Black Knight Titan falls.
• Player: That was surprisingly easy...
• Black Knight Titan rises.
• Black Knight Titan: Guess again!
• Player: Gasp!
• Black Knight Titan: Respawn!
• Black Knight Titan attacks.

Second time

• Black Knight Titan falls.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Yay! You is of finding altar of life.
• Player: The problem is, the Black Knight Titan is trying to kill me and he won't stay dead!
• Black Knight Titan rises.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Is life runes. Life runes is into spawnings.
• Player: He's using life runes to respawn? But there's hundreds of them.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Needs of cabbagemancer!
• Player: She's dead. The Titan killed her.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Is of need new cabbagemancers!
• Player: Aren't the Gower brothers cabbagemancers?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Yes! I fetch! You is of toss. Toss me up ceiling! Keep of fighting until I into return!
• You toss Crispy the Cabbage upward. Black Knight Titan attacks.

Third time

• Black Knight Titan falls. Screen fades out and then back in.

Fetching the Gower brothers

• Crispy the Cabbage is at the Gower Farm.
• Crispy the Cabbage: Player is in trouble! No time into explaining!
• Andrew: Player in trouble?
• Paul: We need to help!
• Ian: Let's do this!
• Paul: Er, do what?
• Crispy the Cabbage: Jumps into cabbage patch! Cast of life-rune-to-cabbage!
• Ian: Let's do this!
• Gower brothers dive into the cabbage patch. Screen fades out and then back in.

Returning to fight the Black Knight Titan

• You prepare to fight. Black Knight Titan has risen. Andrew jumps in.
• Andrew: We're here to help!
• Paul: You hold him off!
• Ian: We'll make cabbages!
• Andrew, Paul, and Ian cast spells on life runes. Black Knight Titan attacks.

Defeating the Black Knight Titan

Fourth time

• Black Knight Titan falls.
• Player: This is exhausting.
• Black Knight Titan rises.
• Black Knight Titan: Defend yourself!
• Player: Can't we just... take a breather?
• Black Knight Titan: No!
• Player: Then can we mix it up a bit?
• Black Knight Titan: Yup! Let me introduce you to this broken lance thing I have!
• Black Knight Titan attacks.

Fifth time

• Player: No, that didn't really help. Your lance is very nice but a melee attack is still just a melee attack.
• Black Knight Titan rises.
• Black Knight Titan: Yeah, I suppose.
• Player: You got anything else?
• Black Knight Titan: I could make lines of fire that you have to avoid standing in?
• Player: Better than nothing but kind of cliché.
• Black Knight Titan: I could make a black hole that sucks you in?
• Player: No good. Not enough graphics budget.
• Black Knight Titan: I've got it! I'll use both weapons at the SAME TIME!
• Black Knight Titan attacks.

Sixth time

• Black Knight Titan falls.
• Andrew: Finished!
• Black Knight Titan: Why can't I respawn?
• Player: Finally!
• Black Knight Titan: It hurts. Is this... what *dying*... feels like?
• Paul: Who is this?
• Player: The graphically reworked Black Knight Titan.
• Paul: Why were you fighting him?
• Player: He wanted my disk of returning so he could escape to RuneScape.
• Andrew: Is that all? I have loads of them. Here, you can have this one.
• Black Knight Titan: I can just have it?
• Andrew: Of course, why not?
• Black Knight Titan: So many evil plans, so much loneliness. I should have just asked nicely. Thank you so much!
• Andrew: You're welcome. Make sure you pay it forward!
• Black Knight Titan: I will. Here I go!
• Screen fades out and then back in. Black Knight Titan is gone.

After the Black Knight Titan leaves

• Player: That wasn't exactly how I expected that to end.
• Andrew: So what is this place?
• Player: The life altar, the place where all life runes were created.
• Paul: The life altar! I always wanted to see that go into the game. Hm... what did I just say?
• Player: Oh yeah, we're Behind the Scenes. You'll keep saying weird, fourth wall-breaking stuff. You get used to it. I think I may have a quest for you three now. The Titan killed the old cabbagemancer to lure me here and that let the life altar get out of control. What do you think about staying here as caretakers? Saviours of the universe, and you'd have an infinite supply of cabbages for your game.
• Andrew: That's a great idea!
• Ian: I'll be honest, I never did like living on a farm.
• Paul: Plus, it's like a secret lair, which is super cool!
• Andrew: It's settled then. We fix up the life altar and move in here.
• Gower brothers: Huzzah!
• Paul: What a happy ending to my quest! Who would have thought when we started out that it would take such an unexpected turn?
• Player: Not me. I was sure Sliske was going to show up or something.
• Ian: I do love a happy ending!

Post-quest dialogue

Talking to the Gower brothers

Talking to Andrew

• (If cabbagespeak amulet is not owned:)
  • Andrew: Here's your cabbagespeak amulet!
  • Player: Thanks.
  • Andrew gives the player a cabbagespeak amulet.
  • (Continues below.)
• (If the disk of returning is not owned:)
  • Player: I lost the disk of returning you gave me...
  • Andrew: It's a good thing I built in a 'return to owner' function then. Here you go...
  • Andrew gives the player a disk of returning.
  • (Continues below.)
• Andrew: All's well that ends well.
  • (If you have not yet claimed an XP lamp from Paul:)
    • (Transcript missing. edit)
  • Can I use the life altar?
    • Andrew: No, I'm afraid not. It's very dangerous.
    • Player: Oh, that's a shame. I was assuming it would unlock as a quest reward.
    • Andrew: You don't know any spells that need life runes, do you?
    • Player: No.
    • Andrew: No need to worry then!
    • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you return me to the surface?
    • Andrew: Of course. I can send you back to our old farm if you like.
      • Yes please.
        • You get teleported back to the Gower Farm.
      • No thanks.
        • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Paul

• Paul: That was my favourite quest I've ever been in.
  • Can I be a pmod for Cabbagemud?
    • Paul: No, sorry. Only players can be pmods, and only cabbages can be players.
    • Player: Awwwwwww...
    • Paul: Tell you what, you can be an honorary pmod! How about that?
    • Player: Yay!
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • (If you have not yet claimed an XP lamp from Paul:)
    • I was hoping for more of a reward.
      • Paul: Oh. Didn't you enjoy the quest?
      • Player: It's not that, it's just, you know, I like XP, so I was wondering...
      • Paul: Oh I see. Well, okay. Since you did help us out and everything. Level all your free to play skills to 30 and I'll find a lamp for you.
        • (If you already have all free to play skills at level 30 or above:)
          • Player: All skills at 30? No problemo. Already done.
          • Paul: Oh, well done! Here's your lamp as promised then.
          • Paul hands you a lamp.
          • (Shows previous options.)
  • Can you return me to the surface?
    • Paul: Try talking to Andrew about that. That's his kind of thing.
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Ian

• Ian: Behind the Scenes is such a strange place!
  • I love these cosmetic quest rewards.
    • Ian: They're great aren't they? Which one is your favourite?
      • The Brassica godsword.
        • (Continues below.)
      • The cabbagemancer outfit.
        • (Continues below.)
      • The cabbage pet.
        • (Continues below.)
    • Ian: Cool! Glad you like them.
  • (If you have not yet claimed an XP lamp from Paul:)
    • (Transcript missing. edit)
  • Can you return me to the surface?
    • Ian: You should talk to Andrew about that. I think he knows a teleport spell.
      • (Shows previous options.)
  • Goodbye.

Talking to Black Knight Titan

Old Black Knight Titan

• Black Knight Titan: I don't know what happened! I was just standing out in the world one minute, and then stuck here the next!
• Player: You've been graphically replaced.
• Black Knight Titan: Oh. That makes me sad. Is there anything you can do to help?
  • Send the old Black Knight Titan back to RuneScape?
    • Yes.
      • The new Black Knight Titan replaces the old one.
      • Black Knight Titan: Oh no, I'm back! What did I do wrong this time?
    • No.

New Black Knight Titan

• Black Knight Titan: I wasn't made for this place, my friend. I need to be up there, where the beautiful people are! Can you help me out?
  • Send the new Black Knight Titan back to RuneScape?
    • Yes.
      • The old Black Knight Titan replaces the new one.
      • Black Knight Titan: What? What happened? Why am I back here? Nooooo!
    • No.

Interacting with the Crate of Returning

Searching

• Take a disc^[sic] of returning.
  • This box has a note attached. It reads, 'In case you need spares - Andrew'.
    • (If the disk of returning is owned:)
      • You already have one, though.
    • (If the disk of returning is not owned:)
      • Take a disk of returning?
        • Yes^[sic]
          • You take a disk of returning.
        • No^[sic]
• Reset Gower Quest
  • Are you sure you want to reset Gower Quest? This will reset all progress and remove all of the quest rewards.
    • Reset Gower Quest?
      • Yes.
        • You reset Gower Quest.
      • No.

Resetting Gower Quest

• Are you sure you want to reset Gower Quest? This will reset all progress and remove all of the quest rewards.
  • Reset Gower Quest?
    • Yes.
      • You reset Gower Quest.
    • No.

v • d • e Gower Quest
NPCs	Andrew  Paul  Ian  Crispy the Cabbage  Cabbage  Lloigh-enn  Thordur  Spiral Orb  Lucien  Claire Hick  Ernie  Guthix  Tim  Crunchy  Bartender  Environment artist  Romeo  Nex  K'ril Tsutsaroth  Commander Zilyana  Kree'arra  General Graardor  Sphenishchev  Chaos Elemental  Thok  Max  Riding tutor  Mod Raven  Captain Haskell  Beastmaster Durzag  Zanik  Jessika  Korasi  Apropos  Sueros  Thingummywut  Vorago  Man Duck on a Cart Bandos's remains Araxxor Clawdia Creature Battleship Banker
Enemies	Black Knight Titan
Items	Broccoli root  Brussels sprout  Cruciferous mounting  Broccoli string  Pure essence  Life rune  Brassican amulet (Unstrung)  Cabbagespeak amulet  Crispy the cabbage  Pink partyhat  Disk of returning  Rock  Orange  Skull  Small key  Tinderbox  Boat  Life altar fragment 1  Life altar fragment 2  Life altar fragment 3
Rewards	Ian's lamp  Andrew's lamp  Paul's lamp Cabbagemancer Outfit Brassica Prime godsword  Tim (pet)  Crunchy (pet) Retro Login Teleport
Locations	Gower farm The Black Hole The White Hole Behind the Scenes Life altar
Music	Three Brothers Tables are Turned Life Altaring Life Is Good
Miscellaneous	Brothers Gower Tasty Bobbles Flames of Lloigh-enn • Quick guide • Transcript