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Meeting Chief Tess

• Chief Tess: What you want, skinny creature? We are not open yet.
• Player: Not open?
• Chief Tess: Nope, not open until dat other human say we ready.
• Player: Other human?
• Chief Tess: Yeah, da bossy one in da bank. She say there is lot to do before we can open, so we not open. When being me back to questions what you want, human?

• What exactly is going on around here?
• Chief Tess: Well, it long story. See, dis lady human come to Oo'glog. She look around village a little, got very excited, then start talking at me very fast. Started asking for many things
• Player: What did she want?
• Chief Tess: Dat woman, she very confusing, very bossy. Says lots but make no sense. Hard to understand. All I know is a agree to help her in thing she call 'business venture'.
• Player: You what?
• Chief Tess: I know, I know. It such a mess cause so much trouble. Me not know what to do. I not even know what a "business venture" looks like.

Where exactly am I?

• Chief Tess: You in Ooglog, human! Bigger and best ogre camp dis ride of de Feldin Hills. Anything else?

Who are you and what's the thing on your head?

• Chief Tess: Me Chief Tess, chief of Ooglog. Dis head thing a hunting trophy. I best hunter in tribe, you know. Anything else?

Do you know there's a larupia loose in this hut?

• Chief Tess: Oh yeah, dat's Dawg. You no worry – she only eat people when me tell her to.
• Player: That's a relief... I think.
• Chief Tess: Anything else?

• Player: So, about this 'business venture' – let me get this straight. Some woman shows up out of nowhere, talks to ou for a while and you agree to help her with some random plan of hers, without having any idea what she's talking about?
• Chief Tess: Uh, when you put it dat way, it sound less good. But de lady say dat many creatures give us lots of shiny pretties to sit in da pools and mud of Oo'glog! She go on about dis 'business plan' thing – she say to guarantee shiny pretties for everyone if we help her.
• Player: And you.... Believed this, did you?
• Chief Tess: Well, it sound good at de time.... She talk very fast and sound very sure about da shiny pretties. Besides, me had to agree – it was only way to make her stop talking.
• Player: So, when are you going to get these shiny pretties then?
• Chief Tess: That's just the problem. Human lady say much stuffs need be done before everything is ready for customer. We try to help, but, thing is, we no can understand what she wants. We still have to listen to her nonsense talking, and there be no shiny pretties yet for anybody.
• Player: What can I help?
• Chief Tess: Dat so very nice of you, skinny creature. Can you go talk to bossy lady at de bank – see what she want? Maybe human have better chance than ogre of understanding her.
• Player: I'd be happy to.

Meeting Balnea

• Player: Hi, there. My name is [Player] and I've just been talking to Chief Tezz. I have no idea what's going on, but I get the feeling that these are some, um, communication difficulties between you and the chief?
• Balnea: Oh, thank goodness another productive forward thinking human! I can't tell you how happy I am to make the acquaintance for someone who is on my wave length.

Um, yes. So, what's going on around here?

• Balnea: Look there's lots to do around here and I should really use a hand. You seem like a mover and shaker – can I run an idea up the flagpole?
• Player: Can you what now?
• Balnea: Can we have a quick mindstorm together? I have a proposition.
• Player: Are you feeling okay?
• Balnea: Well, I'll feel better when we have a firm grasp of incentivising the hospitality market, but a couple of setbacks have cropped up.
• Player: And I'll feel better when I quit talking to you.

And you are?

• Player: And you are?
• Balnea: My name is Balnea Thermaenni Caldarium.
• Player: That's quite a name.
• Balnea: I'm quite a person.
• Player: I see.

What's the problem?

• Balnea: The bottom line is that upper management is a bit overstretched at the moment.
• Player: Who's upper management?
• Balnea: Me.
• Player: Ah, of course.
• Balnea: See, we don't have the human resources we need to get this place up-and-running and ready for business. I've acquired a number of ogre resources but unfortunately, their core skills and customer focus leave, well, much to be desired.
• Player: So, why are you telling me all this?
• Balnea: Let me level with you: I need someone who can big-picture an organic growth solution around here – someone who can envisioneer the way forward. Can you bring it to the table and make it happen?
• Player: Can you try to make some sense, please?
• Balnea: Are you on board? Can you take it to the next level?
• Player: Nope, sorry, still not following.
• Balnea: Look we need someone to go forward with this and synergize the next stage in our targeted hospitality development plan.

Player: You're just making up a lot of words that don't mean anything at all, aren't you?

• Balnea: Not at all! We've moved the goalposts and it's time to make it pop. Are you ready to be a key player? We'd love to welcome you to the team.

Sorry, when you talk my brain hurts. (missing dialogue)

Okay, I'll bite. Tell me more

• Balnea: This is all in strictest confidence mind you – can I count on your discretion?

Actually, I'm a bit of blabbermouth

• Player: Actually, I'm a bit of a blabbermouth. I wouldn't trust me much farther than you could throw me.
• Balnea: Ah, right! Uh, well, it was nice meeting you.
• Player: Likewise!

But of cause! I won't tell a soul – cross my heart, and all that.

• Balnea: Excellent. So, here's the deal: I used to work at my father's tavern in Yanille. It's a viable business, but he's hardly a visionary when it comes to expension and franchise. My father missed so many hances to actualise his opportunities, it was unreal. No matter how much I pushed or how much I tried, I couldn't even get him to consider implementing a basic marketing strategy. When he refused to let me institute a beer-pulling mentorship programme, it was the last straw. I relised that if I didn't find some release for my frustration, I'd end up a raging sociopath.
• Player: So what did you do?
• Balnea: I took a holiday!
• Player: And this helped, did it?
• Balnea: Oooohhhh, yes. I gathered up all my things and went on an extended hunting expedition.
• Player: Hunting? You? You hardly look the type.
• Balnea: Oh, there's nothing I enjoy more than tracking and trapping small, defenceless creatures or matching wits and strength against the larger, more clever ones. Relentlessly following one's prey and slowly luring it to its ultimate demise is so...very....gratifying.
• Player: I am somewhat alarmed by the way you're licking your lips.
• Balnea: Nonsense. It's just a matter of exercising good business practices: one needs to annihilate one's competitors without hesitancy or compassion.
• Player: Riiiiight...
• Balnea: So, anyway, I came upon this encampment of ogresses when I was out on my hunting trip. It may be a bit crude and primitive, but they've got an amazing thing going for them.
• Player: What's that?
• Balnea: Have you seen those pools and springs around the place?
• Player: Yeah, they're pretty hard to miss.
• Balnea: Well, they have some pretty amazing properties.
• Player: Like what?
• Balnea: When you bathe in the water, they have all manner of benefits to one's health and performance.
• Player: Oh, I see! Or rather, I don't see. What's this have to do with me?
• Balnea: Don't you get it? I'm offering you a chance to get in on the ground floor of what's sure to be the biggest new marketing opportunity this side of River Lum! This place has the potential to be the ultimate holiday destination – a spa where everyone can come to relax, get away from it all and take to the waters!
• Player: But...have you looked around? There's nothing here but a lot of nasty bugs and surly ogres.
• Balnea: Oh, that's nothing some good project management can't fix. With a little imagineering and some nose-to-the-grindstone developmentation, I'm convinced we can transform this place into the most luxurious of resorts. Now, I'm an expert at supervisory administration, but these ogres require more hands-on training than I'd initially time-costed. I'm up to my ears in customer relations training and, well, it's HARD to teach those bankers that it's bad form to club a client over the head and take their stuff.
• Player: I can see how that might be problematic.
• Bainea: What I really need is someone at the frontline. Someone who can interface between me and the ogres who have signed on to help out in this enterprise.
• Player: So, the ogres are helping you out, are they?
• Balnea: But of course. These ladies like 'shiny pretties' just as much as the next.
• Player: Right, okay. So, you want someone to boss around, doing all the difficult stuff, while you sit around and 'supervise'. Is that the deal?
• Balnea: Yeah, that about sums it up.

I'd rather fill my bank with cabbages.

• Balnea: Suit yourself. But, just for the record, don't expect an Oo'glog holiday to be cheap.

Shame on you!

• Player: Shame on you! Don't you feel bad about exploiting these ogres for your own financial gain?
• Balnea: Not really. They weren't developing the area before I came along. This way: I get rich, they get some shiny pretties to carry around with them, and the rest of RuneScape gets a lovely holiday destination.
• Player: Huh. I'll have to think about that.

What's in this for me, then?

• Balnea: Oh, a man after my own heart. Well, look – there are several outstanding issues that need sorting before we can open to the public. If you can help out until the spa opens then you can have free access to all the spa facilities.

Theses pools – what exactly do they do?

• Balnea: Look, you can find that out for yourself, once the spa is open for business. I really don't have time for this. Either you're interested or you're not. Which is it?

That sounds fair, count me in. or Well, why not? I've nothing better to do.

• Balanea: Excellent! Glad to have you on board. Feel free to use the bank if you think it would pool your resources more effectively. I can't guarantee good customer service, but they won't lose your things.
• Player: Okay, so now we have all the chit-chat over with, what needs to be done first?
• Balnea: I'm so glad you asked! Our first target is to establish the catering facilities.
• Player: Catering? Please tell me you're not going to teach ogres how to bake crunchies, or something.
• Balnea: No, no. I'm afraid our concessionary services will be a bit more...basic.
• Player: What are you planning, then? A nice little tavern like your father's – a friendly atmosphere, good beer and maybe some food on the side?
• Balnea: A little simpler than that, I'm afraid.
• Player: Ogre cocktails with pool-side service?
• Balnea: Um, not quite that either.
• Player: A little restaurant offering light bites and refreshments?
• Balnea: Uh, no.
• Player: What do you have in mind, then?
• Balnea: Actually, I'll feel like we're doing well if we can get our chef outfitted with a spit and cooking fire.
• Player: Ah, right. And you think this will go over well, do you?
• Balnea: I'm hoping the rustic charm will compensate for the risk of food poisoning.
• Player: Oh, it's sounding better and better.
• Balnea: So, can you go talk to Chargurr and see if you can set her up with the basics? I don't think much progress has been made on that front.

Actually, I'm not sure I want to be involved with this anymore. (missing dialogue)

• Balnea: Hey, we've got a verbal contract.
• Player: Hey, you've got a legal team of ogres who can't even set up a spitroast by themselves!
• Balnea: Point taken.

Sure thing.

• Balnea: Thank you so much, [Player], and good luck; the ball's now in your court. I'm sure, with a little proactivity, you'll effect a big-win solution.
• Player: Yeah, sure. Here's hoping this Chargurr is a better conversationalist than some around here.
• Balnea: Sorry, I missed that...
• Player: Oh nothing.

Meeting Chargurr

• Chargurr: You see dis fire?
• Player: Um, no, actually. All I see is a bit pit of char.
• Chargurr: Dat de problem.
• Player: Look, if it's that big of a deal, I can just bring you some logs and a tinderbox.
• Chargurr: But you no understand, human. Dis fire need be BIG. Need to cook much chompy!
• Player: Right. So what are you saying?
• Chargurr: Silly human! You know nothing? To build fire, me need LOTS logs! Lots logs! Also need long spearses for spit and some raw chompy to cook. It hopeless!

Sorry, I'm pretty busy right now.

• Chargurr: Den you no come crying to Chargurr when you hungry and there nothing to eats, human!

I think I could get that stuff for you. What do you need?

• Chargurr: Dat very nice of you, little human! I need spears an' chompy birds, but first I needs logs.
• Player: Okay, I'll bring you some logs then. How many do you need?
• Chargurr: Ummm... Uhhh... Me know! How many pokesy fingers you got, human?
• Player: Um, I've 8 fingers and 2 thumbs...
• Chargurr: Dat good! Bring me dat many fingers of achey tree logs. Never mind thumbs! How many toesies you gots?
• Player: I've 10 toes, last I counted.
• Chargurr: Dat good! Bring me dat many euclyptus logs.
• Player: Right, let me get this straight: you want 8 achey tree logs and 10 eucalyptus logs?
• Chargurr: Yes, yes! You very smart – good at counting! You go get dem right now, yes? You can find de treesies just outside de camp.
• Player: I can think of nothing I'd rather do than collect dead trees for you. I don't suppose you know how many spears and birds you'll want?
• Chargurr: You not worry about dat now. Will need couple birds, maybe couple more spearses. We worry about that when you gets de woods.

• Player: I've brought the logs you need.
• Chargurr: Thank you, human. You put dem right dere, on de fire pit, den come talk to me okay?
• Player: Sure thing!

• Chargurr: Good human! Dis wood make nice, big fire. Now you bring me spearses? I need big, long spears on which me cook chompies.
• Player: Yeah, so I'm a little confused by this. Aren't spits a little more suited to your purpose?
• Chargurr: Bah! Spits too small for big fire like this. You go bring me spears!

Get your own spears!

• Chargurr: Annoying creature - you get logs but no spears? What, you worry you hurt yourself with sharp stick?

Fine, I'll get some spears for you. How many do you needed?

• Chargurr: Ummm... Uhhh... Errrrrr...
• Player: Look, I don't have all day. How about I just bring you 4 and you can see how you get on.
• Chargurr: How many is dat again? Me forget wiv de big numbers.
• Player: Four, as in 1,2,3,4. It's the number of, um, eyes you'd have if you had, uh, two more eyes.
• Chargurr: Oh yeah, dat good number. Bring me 4 spears, den. Any kind.
• Player: Okay, will do. Glad to have that sorted. Any idea how many chompies you'll want?
• Chargurr: Ugh, too much thinky-thinky all at once, human! I only need couple chompies, me think. Ask later, when you have de spears.

• Chargurr: You gots de spearses, human?
• Player: I've got the spears right here.
• Chargurr: You not get de spears back, human. Dat okay?

No, I'd like to keep hold of my spears after all.

• Chargurr: You waste time, human! Hurry up and bring me some spearses I can use or else I cook YOU for dinner!

Yes, I'd like to give 4 spears to Chargurr.

• Chargurr: Thank you, human! Just put dem right up in big trees, over fire pit, den come right back.
• Player: No problem.

• Chargurr: Now all I need is chompy bird. You get those next for me, okay?

Look, I'm really tired of fetching things for you.

• Chargurr: Pwetty pwease? Just dis once?

NO!

• Player: NO!

Well, allright then.

• Player: Well, allright then. How many do you need?

But of course! I'll bring you some chompy birds. How many do you need?

• Chargurr: Uhhhhm... Errrr... Ummm...
• Player: (angry) ...Yes?
• Chargurr: Mmmmm.. How many eyes do you have if you *not* have extra eyes?
• Player: Two. I have two eyes.
• Chargurr: Yeah, me think dat sounds like a good number. Me wants 2 chompies, den.
• Player: Okay, sure. Two chompy bird, coming right up.

• Chargurr: You got de chompies for me?
• Player: Sure do! Shall I put'em up for you?
• Chargurr: Yes, please...den come talk to me again.
• Player: Why was I afraid you were going to say that?

• Player: Okay, I've fetched your logs, got your spears and brought you some raw chompies. I suppose you'll want something else, now?
• Chargurr: Relax, human, you too tense! All you need do now is start de fire so I can cooks the birdies.
• Player: That's all?
• Chargurr: Dat's all.
• Player: Alright, then. That I can do.

• Player: The fire's all lit and ready to go.
• Chargurr: Thank you very much, human. You more useful than you look!
• Player: Thanks, um, I think. Anything else you need?
• Chargurr: No, me okay now, but maybe bossy human lady have more for you to do – she always complaining about something.
• Player: Somehow, that doesn't surprise me. I'll go speak to Balnea then.
• Chargurr: Hey, human, you don't forget to come back when we open. I give you good deal if you want meat – or give you shiny pretties if you has some meats to sell.
• Player: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Back to Balnea

• Player: The cooking fire is lit and the chompies are roasting away.
• Balnea: Excellent! That's way much more better. I now need you to go and interface with the manager of the hotel facilities to see what you can bring to the table in terms of advancing the relevant relaxation technologies there.
• Player: You need me to...what now?
• Balnea: Oh, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. As things stand, we're driving head-long into a negative growth situation and it's going to require some real blue-sky thinking to pull us out of it.
• Player: When you speak, it makes me distressed and confused.
• Balnea: So, can I count on you to take ownership of this opportunity and provide a proactive solution that will help us make it happen?
• Player: Gah! I don't know what you're saying to me. Just tell me what you want doing.
• Balnea: Do I need to spell it out again? Just talk to the hotel manager and close the loop, so we can transition this scenario.
• Player: Okay. Let's make this simple. Who do you want me to see?
• Balnea: I've just told you. We need to cofunction with-
• Player: No cofunctioning! Give me the name!
• Balnea: She's the manager of the hotel facilities and-
• Player: Not her title - her name!
• Balnea: Snurgh. Her name is Snurgh.
• Player: That's better! So, you want me to have a chat with Snurgh to see what mess she's made of things?
• Balnea: Essentially, yes. Although, I would prefer to view it as making a positivewise transition.

I can't possibly help someone who uses the word 'positivewise'!

• Balnea: Well, okay then, but I suggest you rethink your options if you don't want to be disintermediated.
• Player: I don't have a clue what disintermediated is, but it sure sounds a lot better than standing here listening to you.

Right-ho. I'll go and see Snurgh at the hotel and 'transition' away.

• Balnea: Brilliant! Be sure to keep me up-to-date with your hospitality solutions.
• Player: Yeah, uh, I'll be sure to do that.

A positivewise pillow solution with Snurgh

• Player: I heard you may need a bit of help?
• Snurgh: Dat Balnea-woman tell me to make comfsy pillows for little, softy human heads. I try use good, raw meat - the softest thing I knows.
• Player: Um, doesn't that smell a bit in the morning?
• Snurgh: Of course it smell in the morning! Me thought dat an extra bonus!
• Player: Riiiight. So, for those of us who don't like to start the morning with a faceful of rotting flesh, have you thought of making some pillows from, oh, say FEATHERS? I know it's a radical idea.
• Snurgh: Hmm, feathers - okay, maybe. Not attract so many flies. Yes, feathers good - just might work! Good idea from such small, softy head, human. So, you bring me some fluffsies, then, human?

Can't you get them yourself?

• Snurgh: No, dis little hat thing too tight for me to go hunting birdies. It makes me grouchy.
• Player: Oh, of course. Why do I even bother asking?

Sure, I'll bring you some feathers. I dread to ask this, but how many do you need?

• Snurgh: I think me need big pile - maybe, uh, well...I needs...about same number of fluffsies as number of legs on creepy-crawly spider?
• Player: I knew a simple answer would be too much to ask. I'll bring you 8 and see how that suits. does that work for you?
• Snurgh: Yeah, but don't bring chompy fluffsies - dey too itchy-itchy. Need stripy fluffsies from waggy-tail birdy.
• Player: You want feathers from a tropical wagtail? Why can't you use any old feathers?
• Snurgh: Why you still talking, not out getting de fluffsies, human? You making me want use YOU for pillow!
• Player: I see I'll be getting nowhere fast with this line of questioning.

• Snurgh: You got de stripy fluffsies from de waggy-tail birdies?
• Player: As a matter of fact, I do.
• Snurgh: Good, you gives me now. Thank you very much. I go make de pillows for de little softy human heads now!
• Player: Glad to help. Anything else you need?
• Snurgh: No, not unless human want some leftover steak. It bit smelly, not so good for eating, but still soft an' comfsy if you no have any feathers. Does human want de leftover steaks? Dey a bit smelly, not so good for eating, but still soft an' comfsy for sleeping on. Still be okay for few more days, at least, me thinks.
• Player: I...think I'm alright, thanks. I should probably touch base with Balnea and let her know you're sorted.

Return to Balnea (again)

• Player: You'll be happy to hear that I've sorted out the 'hotel facilities', such as they are. We decided to go with-
• Balnea: Oh, excellent! I'm happy to hear that you facilitated the delivery of a customer-centric solution to a mission-critical situation.
• Player: Don't you want to know what the problem actually was? Or how we solved it?
• Balnea: Oh, no, that won't be necessary. You've stepped up to the plate and delivered a home-run resolution. No need to dwell on what's passed when there are new challenges that require some bread-and-butter solutioneering.
• Player: What means what, exactly?
• Balnea: As I understand it, there's an issue around the salon's core assets. We need to lever this win-win value proposition into a concrete deliverable.

Is there any way to have this conversation without you talking?

• Balnea: ...
• Balnea: ?
• Player: That's sooooo much better!
• Balnea: !
• Player: Quite!

Certain whales are small enough to fit in the palm of your hand

• Player: You know, certain whales are small enough to fit in the palm of your hand.
• Balnea: What are you saying to me? I appreciate your efforts to think outside the box, but isn't this a bit of a context switch?
• Player: It's true, actually. They're quite small, and they're rather cute, I hear.
• Balnea: Okay...
• Player: Great! Glad we had this conversation.

You're going to ask me to go to the salon, right?

• Player: You need me to go to the salon, right?
• Balnea: I'm hoping you'll take the initiative, break through the clutter and actualize some result-driven outcomes.

I think I'd like to 'actualize' my departure from this conversation now.

• Balnea: Some would say you need to incentivize an attitude refocus, you know.
• Player: And some would say you need to synergize your bottom-line core lingual competency and do a bit of customer-focused relanguaging. Eep! Where did that come from? What did I just say?

Yea, sure, I'll go to the salon.

• Balnea: Excellent. You'll need to talk to Kringk, our stress-management engineer. I believe she's having some difficulties solidifying her assets.
• Player: You wouldn't want me to talk to a hairdresser, would you?
• Balnea: Isn't that what I just said?
• Player: Yeah, sure. That's exactly what you said.

The salon

• Kringk: How I do hair wiv no tools?
• Player: I don't know, how *do* you do hair with no tools?
• Kringk: Me not know! Dat what me asking you!
• Player: That's a pretty poor joke.
• Kringk: It not a joke! It a problem!
• Player: Ah, I see. So, might I surmise that you need me to get some things for you?
• Kringk: Awww...would you do dat for me?

Of course not; I was just asking so that I would wind you up!

• Kringk: Tell you what, human. You come back here as soon as we open. Me give you a free sample of what I can do to little human heads.
• Player: Um, I think all my hairdressing needs are being met at present, but thank you for the offer.

Why, sure, I'd be happy to help.

• Kringk: Good, good! Can make nice brush for hair with some pretty wolfsie bones and some spiney lup-lup furses. De spines really good for tearing out tangles in hair of customer.
• Player: Um, eek!
• Kringk: What, you going to sit and talk all day or is you going to get de wolfsie bones and lup-lup furses?
• Player: Lup-lup furses? Do you mean spined larupia fur?
• Kringk: Is what I said.
• Player: Right... Okay, wolf bones and spined larupia fur. How many of each?
• Kringk: One...two...unngh! Human go away and just bring bones and furses. No make Kringk count - counting hurts head!
• Player: But, can't you just give me an idea of how many you need?
• Kringk: Me not know! Handful of wolfsie bones - maybe as many as de number of webby foots on a platypus? And double dat number of furses?
• Player: Alright, fine; 4 wolf bones and 8 spined larupia furs, coming up.

• Kringk: How you doing wiv de stuffs you promised me, human?
• Player: I've got everything right here.
• Kringk: Well? Can I have them?

You sure can't.

• Player: You sure can't!
• Kringk: You should know. Me no have sense of humour, creature.
• Player: Aw, that must be so dismal for you.

You sure can!

• Kringk: Thank you much, little creature. Dis very helpful.
• Player: Glad to help. Anything else you ogresses need around here?
• Kringk: No, me think we all good. You can tell dat Balnea-human dat we got all de stuffs we need.
• Player: Great, I'll do that.

The bug problem

• Player: I've sorted out the problems they were having at the salon. Turns out, all they needed were some bones and fur.
• Balnea: I see. Well, now that you've proven yourself on the frontlines, I have a bigger project for you. Hopefully, this one will seem like much less of an exercise in box-ticking.
• Player: I'm listening, but I'm not sure I'm liking this.
• Balnea: Oh, it's a wonderful opportunity. It will give you the chance to innovate your own front-end methodologies. The envelope is ready to be pushed into a whole new solutioneering paradigm.
• Player: Whatever you're talking about is going to be terribly unpleasant, isn't it?
• Balnea: You'll need to have a one-on-one mindshare with Seegud. She's based just north-east of here. You'll know her when you see her; she's a bit eccentric but very experienced and backgrounded. She'll introduce you to the insect management project.
• Player: You mean I should go check out the smelly old huts to the north-east and see if I can find an old ogre lady about some bugs?
• Balnea: Yeeees, though I would encourage you to work on your languaging, unless you want points deducted for poor professionalism.
• Player: Points deducted from what?
• Balnea: Uhhhm, you know... the big collection of points you'd have, um, if they weren't being deducted.
• Player: Riiiiight. Look, how about we pretend this conversation never happened and I just go talk to Seegud, okay?
• Balnea: That's very generous of you.

Bug busting with Seegud

• Player: So, Balnea tells me you know how to get rid of those annoying insects hovering around the pools?
• Seegud: Yes-yes, me surprise you humans haven't figured out about buzzy buzzy-repelling smoke for yourselfs. You not have nice, tough skin like ogres.
• Player: Yes, well, we're generally smart enough to not build our towns in the middle of insect-infested mud pits.
• Seegud: Pah! When you tough like ogres, you no worry about a few little buzzy-buzzies.
• Player: Yeah, okay, so ogres are tough and wonderfully bug-proof; humans are soft little bundles of insect bait.
• Seegud: Now you understand!
• Player: Great. So, how do I get rid of these pesky little things?
• Seegud: Listen close, I give you instructions. You may notice dat we have several different pools here. Each pool is made up of different stuffs. An' each pool attracts different type of buzzy-buzzies.
• Player: All the bugs look pretty much the same to me.
• Seegud: Pah! Shows what you know, human. Dey may not look different, but it take different thing to get rid of each kind of buzzy.
• Player: What do you mean?
• Seegud: By each pool, you find fire pit where you need start fire, burning stuffs to make de smells dat buzzy-buzzies hate most.
• Player: How do I know what to burn?
• Seegud: Dat easy. I do all de hard work for you already. I too busy an' too old to keep walkin' around, keepin' fires goin', an' it difficult to remember what to burn where. So, I left piles of stones by each fire pit dat remind me what to burn.
• Player: Piles of stones?
• Seegud: Yes, I use different colours and shapes for each stuffs I have to burn. All you need do is look at pile of stones, see what colours there are. I use different type of stone for each material.
• Player: So, what stones stand for what material?
• Seegud: Listen close an' I tells you. When you see long, brown rock: add euclyptus log to fire. every fire needs euclyptus log. When you see green, lump-shaped rock: add fever grass. When you red round rock: use primweed. When you see yellow, egg-shaped rock: put in tansymum. When you see orange, squarish rock: add stinkbloom. When you see tall, purple rock: add lavender to de fire.
• Player: Okay, I think I've got that. I'll go look for these piles of stones and start some fires.
• Seegud: Good-good. Come back if you forget. It a lot to keep in head all at once.

• Player: How strange! I followed Seegud's instructions perfectly, but something isn't right.
• Mischievous ogre child: Hee hee hee *snort* hee!
• Player: Hmm, suspicous. Perhaps I should talk to Seegud and see if she knows what's going on.

• Player: There seems to be something wrong. I tried to start the fire as you suggested, but it didn't work and those little ogre children are acting rather suspiciously.
• Seegud: Hmm. Me see. Little wee ogre childs often very up-to-no-good these days. Not like when I was wee ogre childs - we very good then.
• Player: Yes, I'm sure you were. That hardly help us now, though, does it?
• Seegud: No, not so much.
• Player: So, what's the bottom line, here?
• Seegud: I say dat those little ogre childs undo all me hard work - mix up my rocks. Too bad for you. You going to have to find out what they did.
• Player: So, can you remember what materials had to be burnt at each pool? If you could just tell me what needs burning where, I could build the fires.
• Seegud: Afraid dat a bit difficult. Too many fires, lots of different things to burn. I remembers one thing - every fire need euclyptus log, but apart from that it not easy to remember what went where. Dat's why I make the stone piles. Need something to aid memory.
• Player: You don't remember what went where? This is hopeless! I can't try every combination of materials with each fire pit and just hope one of them works!
• Seegud: Hmm...let me think. Dis may not be as bad as it seems. Ogre childs, dey playful and mischievous, but not really bad-hearted. Also, young ogre childs don't have tough skin yet. Dey wouldn't want buzzy-buzzy bites when using pools any more than you, human.
• Player: So, what are you thinking?
• Seegud: Maybe we lucky and dey not make too much of a mess of things. Perhaps they just switch around which stones means which burning stuffs. If so, all you need do is figure out what stone dey swapped for what.
• Player: Ah, I see! If they've just switched what stone represents which item, I just need to figure out what each stone means now!
• Seegud: Dat right, human. Good luck!

• Player: I've sorted out that insect problem for you.
• Seegud: Thank you much, human! You may be scrawny, but you not bad thinker. I make sure the little ogre childs keep fires lit so buzzy-buzzies stay away.
• Player: That sounds like a good idea.
• Seegud: You can tell Balnea-woman dat de bussy-buzzies have buzzed their last.
• Player: Will do. Thanks for your help.

Pest control

• Player: I've sorted out the insect problem. Seegud says it's under control and she can organise the childs-, um, children to keep the fires lit.
• Balnea: Fabulous! That's a load off my mind. Those pools were completely unuseable thanks to those horrid insects.
• Player: Wow, you almost sounded human there for a moment.
• Balnea: Don't worry. It'll pass.
• Player: I was afraid of that. So, when's the big opening?
• Balnea: Well, unfortunately, there's still one last outstanding matter.
• Player: What's that, then?
• Balnea: There are some creatures wandering around Oo'glog that are making themselves quite a nuisance. We're going to have to hunt them down. We simply can't have our guests bathing near poisonous, disease-ridden pests. You look like you may be a decent enough hunter to accelerate this action point. Would you mind doing a bit of trapping?

Sure, anything to avoid talking to you for a while.

• Balnea: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
• Player: Yeah, probably best all around. Anyway, what do I need to do?
• Balnea: There are several creatures we need to deal with. First, there are some diseased kebbits. You'll need to watch out for their bite - they're rather pestiferous. Then there are some birds that the ogres call 'wimpy birds'. They're not too much of a problem, unless you make them mad; they have a rather mean peck when they're angry. Finally, there's a little family of platypodes just to the north that need moving to a different location. They generally mind their own business, but they're poisonous, so do watch out.
• Player: Sounds simple enough.
• Balnea: Don't be deceived - they're not as easy to trap as you might think. Go talk to Chief Tess; She's almost as good a hunter as I am, and she can explain the special techniques required to catch creatures around this area.
• Player: Intriguing... I'll go speak to Chief Tess, then.

Wait; I thought you were supposed to be a great hunter?

• Balnea: Yes, I am a rather fantastic hunter in my spare time; however, at the moment, I don't have any spare time because I'm too busy managing people like you who waste my time asking silly questions.
• Player: I must say, you're not encouraging me to volunteer for this project.
• Balnea: Yes, well, I'll mention your reluctance to the payroll department.
• Player: Payroll department? Your ogres don't even understand the concept of counting yet! You don't have a payroll department!
• Balnea: Well, we may do one of these days. If we do, I'll mention it to them.
• Player: Oh, good. You do that.
• Balnea: Anyway, we're getting off-target. Are you interested in taking ownership of this exciting opportunity?
  • (Returns to previous options)

I'm afraid I just can't be bothered right now.

• Balnea: Alright, but by the terms of your contract, unless you follow this project through to completion, you forfeit all rewards and access to our facilities.
• Player: What contract? I don't remember any contract!
• Balnea: Well, it was kind of a verbal contract.
• Player: Wait, what are you trying to pull?
• Balnea: Well, I'd love to continue our chat, but I'm afraid I'm too busy. Ta ta, toodaloo, bye!

Hunting with Chief Tess

• Player: Hi there. Balnea said you might be able to help me out.
• Chief Tess: Sure, human. What you want to know?
• Player: Apparently, I need to relocate a family of platypodes and get rid of some diseased kebbits and wimpy birds that are living around the pools.
• Chief Tess: Ah, me understand. You not know ogre way of hunting with smoke.

I know how to smoke a trap to remove my scent.

• Chief Tess: No, dat not what I meant at all. Ancestors have been hunting here for many, many ages, so de creatures around here very smart about hunters. Dey know to avoid traps. Hunter must be extra sneaksy to attract de creatures.
• Player: Extra sneaksy?
• Chief Tess: Yeah. To catch creatures, you must attract dem with something they like very much.
• Player: Oh, I already know about baiting traps. I'm an experienced Hunter. I am!
• Chief Tess: Bait helpful, but it not enough. Me told you, de creatures here very clever. So here's what you do: You need to burn something with smell dat dey like. You burn de right thing, dey follow you. Dat way, you can leads dem to de traps.
• Player: You mean I need to start more fires?
• Chief Tess: Yes, but not big fires. You need to burn de stuffs slowly, carefully and hold de smoldering stuffs up high so you can lead de creatures to de traps. It difficult. Stuffs burn away quick-like and you needs to hold it carefully to keep it lit.
• Player: Okay, so I need to smoulder certain 'stuffs' in order to lure these creatures to my traps.

You're right. I have no idea what you're talking about. (missing dialogue)

How do I catch diseased kebbits?

• Chief Tess: First thing about diseased kebbits, dey can give you disease.
• Player: The name gives nothing away.
• Chief Tess: I'm warning you. If you no want to pay attention, fine.
• Player: Sorry. Do please go on.
• Chief Tess: So, they carry disease but they shy. And dumb. Real dumb.
• Player: Hello, pot, this is kettle speaking.
• Chief Tess: Why you talk of pots? You not want to talk of kebbits after all?
• Player: No, really, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.
• Chief Tess: Look, all I say is dat diseased kebbit generally leave you alone. Dey gets more aggresive, though, when you burn de tansymum. Much more likely to bite if dey smell burning tansymum.
• Player: So, what do they like?
• Chief Tess: If you want make diseased kebbit follow you, burn fever grass. Dey love fever grass. Love de smell, love de taste, love everything about it. You caneven use it to bait de deadfall traps - dey eat it right up.
• Player: That's good to know. Thanks.
• Chief Tess: Anything else you want to know, human?

How do I catch wimpy birds?

• Chief Tess: Wimpy birds like smell of tansymum burning - dey follow it anywheres. Dey not so much like fever grass burning. It scare dem off.
• Player: Got it.
• Chief Tess: You watch out if you burn lavender near wimpy birds - dey may be little, but dey have mighty peck.
• Player: Got it.
• Chief Tess: Anything else you want to know, human?

How do I catch platypodes?

• Chief Tess: First thing first: you need box trap to catch de platypus. You no harm platypus, or you make ogres very angry, you understand?
• Player: Don't worry; I'm just supposed to move them, not hurt them.
• Chief Tess: Good, that okay then.
• Player: Out of curiosity. why-
• Chief Tess: You no interrupt just yet. Me speaking.
• Player: Sorry.
• Chief Tess: You no listen very well, do you, human? Anyway, platypus a bit shy. You need encourage them by burning lavender. Dey like de sweet smell.
• Player: Platypodes like lavender. Check. Now, why do-
• Chief Tess: Me not finished yet! Human should remember dis: platypus feel threatened when dey smell burning fever grass. When platypus feel threatened, it likely to attack. It attack with poison spurs on back foot.
• Player: Now you're making things up.
• Chief Tess: You not believe me? Try it out and see. Just don't come running when you meet webbed feet of doom!
• Player: I can't believe I'm having this conversation.
• Chief Tess: Anything else you want to know, human?

• So why are ogres so protective of platypodes?
• Chief Tess: Ah, it long and interesting story. It go back to the days of my mother's mother's mother's... mother's mother's mother's, um, mother's... Well, it was long time ago, anyway.
• Player: Yeah, I got that.
• Chief Tess: Dat's it! Human interrupt too much. If human going to be dat way. I not tell de story!
• Player: Aw, please? I'll be as quiet as a mouse until you're done.
• Chief Tess: No. Maybe I tell you later, when I calm down.
• Player: Pretty please?
• Chief Tess: No, I too angry now to tell it right.
• Player: Pretty please with sugar on top?
• Chief Tess: NO!
• Player: Pretty please with sugar on top and a cherry for good measure?
• Chief Tess: GRRRRAH! NO!
• Player: Fine. Be that way. I'm sure it was a stupid story anyway.

Where should I release the platypodes?

• Chief Tess: Little flat-feets like the bank by the sea to de east, inside gates of Oo'glog. De place has burrows on de shore an' platypus reeds in de shallows. It their favourite fishing spot.
• Player: What's wrong with the beaches to the south?
• Chief Tess: We no can look after platypus dat far away. De little flat-feets are protected here. We make sure no one set box trap near de platypus burrows.
• Player: Why don't you allow-?
• Chief Tess: Human, shush! Me still talking! Now, if you take platypus to de ocean and release dem near de water, dey very, very happy little critters. Dey often do bit of fishing for you in return.
• Player: What?
• Chief Tess: Just try; you see. Release platypus on ocean shore, near reeds. You see what happens then.

Where can I find these smoulderable stuffs?

• Chief Tess: You walk around outside gate of Oo'glog - you find everything you need growing nearby.

• Player: I've trapped the birds, squashed the diseased kebbits and relocated the lovely little family of platypodes.
• Balnea: Excellent! In that case, it's go-time.
• Player: So when's the big opening?
• Balnea: Well, we've got to do this properly and invite all the right people - a mistake at this stage could be a PR nightmare.
• Player: All the right people? Like who?
• Balnea: Well, we've got a party of VIP trolls coming down from the north for the opening feast; I've invited some fairies to take part in the ribbon cutting; I've sent some free passes to the tree gnomes in order to-
• Player: Hey, look, that's your department. Just let me know when you're up-and-running and i'll pop by for a swim.
• (cutscene)

A holiday to remember

• Muggh: So how you like it here, little human?
• Wise Old Man Sat sapienti...

• Balnea: Thank you so much for all your help, [Player]. All your hard work has really paid off.
• Player: Yeah, yeah. So, when can I try out these pools?
• Balnea: Come chat with me at the bank once things have settled down around here.
• Player: Will do.

• Balnea: Thank you so much for all your help, [Player]. Please feel free to use the pools, free of charge, whenever you like.
• Player: Thanks!
• Balnea: There's also some good hunting outside the gates. You can squash as many diseased kebbits and catch as many wimpy birds as you like. Also, I'll let you in on a secret. If you have the skill to care for it, you can catch a baby platypus and raise it as a pet. You can only keep one at a time, though.

v • d • e As a First Resort
NPCs	Balnea  Chargurr  Chief Tess  Frawd  Grr'bah  Grubb  Grunther  Kringk  Ogress banker  Seegud  Snarrk  Snarrl  Snurgh  Tyke  Wise Old Man  Muggh Platypodes  Patrick  Peanut  Penelope  Peter
Items	Diseased kebbit fur  Eucalyptus logs  Mud  Wimpy feather Flowers  Fever grass  Lavender  Primweed  Stinkbloom  Tansymum Smouldering flowers  Smouldering fever grass  Smouldering lavender  Smouldering tansymum
Locations	Oo'glog Salon
Music	Bish Bash Bosh Hot 'n' Bothered Shaping Up Spa Bizarre
Miscellaneous	Flying bugs Spa Oo'glog Recreational Relaxation Resorts • Quick guide • Transcript